A Sarcastic Git's Golden Rules at Hogwarts
by Twisted Biscuit
Summary: Hogwarts has a Sarcastic Little Git inside it’s walls. That Sarcastic Little Git is deeply disgruntled. In an effort to strike out against those who annoy him [read:everybody], he is posting mocking and vaguely offensive “Guidelines” on the notice boards.
1. 20 Golden Rules for Teachers

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but my own twisted little brain… you can't have that, I don't care how good your lawyer is.

**Summary:** This was inspired by an email forward I received, those following this however are entirely mine… I'm not sure that's a good thing. There will also be Golden rules for Quidditch Players, Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Slytherins, Ravenclaws, Students, Weasleys, people with Flower Names, Big Black Dogs and anyone with blonde hair. Not necessarily in that order, or indeed, any order whatsoever.

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**20 GOLDEN RULES FOR TEACHERS**

1. Never ever give me holiday homework in advance, give it to me as I'm leaving your classroom on the last day of term, due in for the first day back. It's an honest relief to know that I won't be spending the holidays playing Quidditch, visiting friends, reading for pleasure or even having a lie in, as I had initially feared, and will instead be spending every waking moment doing your essay. And the challenge of a deadline is refreshing. Really.

2. If it's a really tricky spell, potion or assignment, please interrupt me every five minutes to see how things are going. Better yet, hover over my shoulder and make constant recommendations, alterations and suggestions. That's a big help.

3. Always leave the room without telling me what to do in your absence. It gives me the chance to be creative when deciding between revision, further reading and practical skills.

4. If you give me more than one piece of homework at once, don't tell me which is priority. My life revolves around your class, I have no other homework and honestly don't mind staying up until three o'clock in the morning completing a report that, as it turns out, was optional and not due in for another week anyway.

5. Do your best to keep me late after class, I adore your classroom and have no desire to leave it, no matter what the time of day. I also have no wish to attend other classes on time or eat solid food in the near future. Oh, and fresh air is for morons anyway; what sort of brainless fool wants to see daylight before November?

6. If I do a piece of work that pleases you, keep it secret. Wouldn't want me to get too sure of myself by knowing exactly what it is that you expect from me or anything. And for goodness sake, don't worry your pretty little head about giving my house points as a token of your appreciation, I honestly have no desire to win and am simply obeying the rules and doing every piece of homework on time for that warm glow you get as you snap at me and tell me to stop looking so pleased with myself.

7. If you don't like something about my work, spread it around. I truly want each and every one of my teachers to know that I have a weak class and therefore treat me like an idiot in their own. It makes actually me feel special, knowing that you all have nothing better to do than discuss me and my classmates' shortcomings over tea and biscuits.

8. If you have specific instructions for an unusual class, don't you dare write them up on a blackboard. In fact, save them until five minutes before completion of the task. No use cluttering my head with useful information.

9. When giving me a note for another teacher, do not tell me where they are. I am, after all, barely alive and have no right to know about the comings and goings of teachers. When trying to deliver the note, my shrewd deductions will place their whereabouts in the castle. The heart attack suffered while trying to run from one end of the building to the other and also trying to reach my next class on time is actually just an overload of happiness and joy; a sure sign of well-being in any student.

10. Wait until my end of year review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre grade and then tell my parent/guardian that I would do much better if only I applied myself that bit more, thereby making sure that not only does my parent/guardian hound me at every available opportunity with the question "Do you have any homework?" but that I also get lectures about the importance of your class during the holidays as well.

11. If I am ever so impudent as to disagree something you have said, please scream at me for twenty minutes discussing at length and in front of everyone exactly what is wrong with me, my family and my generation as a whole. You are always right and I am always wrong. All that nonsense about teachers being people too and therefore capable of making mistakes is just that; nonsense. Teacher's are pillars of strength and wisdom and make no errors.

12. On the one and a million chance that I was, in fact, right and you were, in fact, wrong please do not apologise to me. As previously implied, I am worthless and as such neither need nor deserve an apology from the likes of you. In fact why not pretend that you knew all along, were testing your class and were just having a laugh when you were screaming at me? I for one can see the hilarity of such a daring witticism and will be sure to tell my great grandchildren of your jocularity and factitiousness, as they too should be able to benefit as I have. Though just to reiterate: No apology necessary.

13. If you happen to come across me while I am standing in a hallway, apparently unoccupied, please assume that I am plotting the downfall of human civilisation and punish me accordingly. The suggestion that I was merely taking a break, looking out a window or waiting for a friend to finish their class is, frankly, preposterous. Children under the age of fifty-four do not require a quiet respite from the rest of the world and are almost inevitably up to no good.

14. Should I walk along a crowded corridor and bump in someone in your view please treat it as a malicious attack and poorly disguised attempt on their life. Heaven forbid I be distracted from the exact placement of my person (by such petty trivialities as schoolwork, bad news, personal problems or simply another person in the hallway), long enough to collide with a fellow member of the student body. Please ignore any denials from me or indeed the student I hit and give me a week of detention. Hell, go nuts, give me two.

15. If someone should speak to me in class, please blame me. If I have not raised my head, responded to them in any way or even slowed my work pace, you can still rest assured that it was my fault. I incited them to act with an ancient and bizarre mind-control technique not known of amongst most wizards. I did this simply to spite you. I accept full responsibility.

16. Should I receive a minor injury in or around your classroom or office, please do not help me in any way, shape or form. Do not call the school nurse either. Simply send me to walk half the length of the castle, to the Hospital Wing, with said ailment still in place, no matter how ridiculous, painful or unsightly. The laughter of my peers is character building and I know that they will forget about it momentarily. After all, as the saying goes, "Children can be so gosh darn pleasant and accepting."

17. Should a member of my house or year group in some way offend you, please blame me too. Not just me, the entire house and/or year group. We are all the same and could not possibly have a different view of you. People do not develop individual personalities until they have left school anyway and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to cause trouble.

18. If your favourite student (Yes, everyone knows that you have one, stop acting like you don't) misbehaves in a class please blame me for their actions instead. You are helping them by ignoring their behaviour and are also helping me by teaching me that I am responsible for everything. Everything that goes wrong is all fault and always will be. It is best I learn this now before I get ideas above my station.

19. When I ask you opinion on a piece of work, do not respond. Either sniff sanctimoniously, make a sarcastic remark or say "Hmm" in a noncommittal voice before walking off. I am psychic, this response merely offers me a chance to use my rare gift that has been so magnificently underused in this barren time of speech and text. I should thank you for your help in fine tuning my abilities as a mind reader.

20. If and when I come to you in a frenzied fit of panic about some incomprehensible and slightly out of the ordinary situation: Ignore me. No matter what my supposed circumstances are I am no doubt lying, simply to monopolise your time. You are a very important teacher, you should not be preoccupied with such petty trivialities as your students' mortal terror.


	2. 10 Golden Rules for Quidditch Players

Not mine. Well _this_ is but Harry Potter isn't. I always liked Fred Weasley better anyways...

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR QUIDDITCH PLAYERS**

1. Please talk about Quidditch at every available opportunity. I can think of nothing at all I would rather discuss, not with you nor with anyone else. And there is nothing quite like Quidditch-talk to liven up a Transfiguration exam.

2. Remind everyone, at least seventeen times a day, that you are on your House Team. Saying outright "I'm on the team" may bore you after a while so you may do it in a slightly more subtle manner. For example, sigh loudly and complain about how you'd much rather be playing Quidditch than be doing what you're doing now (particularly effective when on a date). Alternatively you may comment on tactics, mention your thoughts on the last game or even tell everyone about how your homework reminds you of Quidditch. No one ever tires of this and no one has anything better to do than listen to you prattle on.

3. Walk around with your broom over your shoulder. This makes you look athletic and attractive to potential and existing suitors. Walking around with it when you are indoors is in no way pathetic, and any suggestions that you are 'compensating for something' by carrying the thing around with you are _instantly_ quelled when people see you take it to the dinner table with you after a match and stroke it lovingly.

4. If you have no idea what you're talking about when it comes to Quidditch tactics then this fact will be disguised if you repeat the same phrases over and over again. Nobody notices and everyone thinks you're a genius.

5. Regale us with tales of your broomstick-based conquests. We never tire of that one where you escape a Muggle Hot Air Balloon, and the one where you save a small child from a herd of rampaging Hippogriffs is completely believable despite the obvious inaccuracies. We shall never doubt the sincerity of your stories, and whether you are actually a competent flier or not becomes irrelevant as soon as you mention the words 'eager and alert helicopter pilot that was suspicious of me'.

6. Instantly dismiss the opinion of anyone whose life does not revolve around Quidditch. They clearly have no idea what's important in this world and should be ignored until such times as they go away.

7. When introducing yourself do not give your surname. Instead say your first name followed by your playing position. Thusly: "John, Keeper." "Jack, Beater." "Jane, Chaser."

No one need know anything else about you as nothing else matters.

8. Whether the injury in question was _actually_ a result of a Quidditch game is meaningless. It is beholden on you as a Quidditch player to respond to the question "Ooh, what happened to you?" with a brave smile/grimace, flex your muscles and say "Oh that. Quidditch… you know…" and look heroic. Nobody sees through this. Not even when you blame paper cuts on the dangerous side-effects of the Sport of Warlocks.

9. If the other team beats you, you must call them names. It is generally considered sporting to call them dirty cheats, whether they broke any rules or not doesn't really matter. They beat you and are, therefore, dirty cheats.

10. The referee is the enemy. No questions asked. They are the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world, treat them as such. After all, rules are for losers.


	3. 10 Golden Rules for Gryffindor Students

Me no own-y. JK Rowling own-y. Me but a lowly minion with terrible grammar. (Flames readily accepted by the way. I've never been flamed before… Come on, you know you wanna)

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR GRYFFINDORS**

1. If you have an inkling that evil is afoot, or that you are being manipulated by an infamous Dark Wizard, or that 1000 nuns and orphans will be wiped out by a flaming meteor in the near future, or even that there's no mint choc-chip ice cream left in the kitchens… tell no one. Sneak out in the middle of the night with limited magical training, hardly any experience under pressure and levels of self-righteousness that would leave Dubya in the dust. If at all possible, do so after a hearty breakfast of brain tumour.

2. While sneaking around in the middle of the night, be sure to go without thinking of a valid excuse should you be caught by teachers e.g. "Sorry Professor I was just coming to see you, you know I had the most awful dream about my mother being attacked by killer carpe, and was wondering if I might be able to contact her?" "Then why are you standing in a haunted bathroom with a trembling Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?" "I thought I'd see what sort of accommodations mum would be living in if she did snuff it.". Waiting until you are actively caught to think of an excuse is more daring and brave: You will earn more points for your house by doing it this way.

3. Slytherins are not people too, no exceptions. Each and every one of them is out to get you and you in particular. Get them first. The arsenic's over there…

4. If you mess up royally in Potions and are punished for it, rant and rave about how unfair that is for at least two weeks. Under no circumstances should you acknowledge that you made a mistake and under no circumstances should you acknowledge that you may have been punished because of your own stupidity rather than the teacher's ingrained bias against you. Just a reminder that the arsenic is over there.

5. In your position as Gryffindor, you have certain standards to maintain. One of these standards is to be loud and 'hearty'. Should you ever find yourself feeling apathetic or disinterested, seek medical attention immediately. You, as Gryffindor student, must find yourself in one of the following states of being at all times: Angry, victorious, outraged, stubborn, cheerful, delighted, concerned for a friend, contrary, heroic, righteous, disgusted or smug. To a Gryffindor, apathetic is a word used only when referring to someone as 'a lamentable such-and-such' while lackadaisical is a word used only when there is a nation wide flower shortage.

6. Wherever possible, swagger.

7. You have 'daring nerve'. This means that you should be more than prepared to carry out moronic and dangerous schemes on a whim. Classic examples include adding love potion to chocolates which may or may not reach the object of your affection and will become more potent with time, running off into a secret chamber nobody knows exists with a wussy DADA teacher and a schmuck with a broken wand after an almost indestructible serpent and it's evil Overlord, and, naturally, hopping on a cleaning appliance to soar a hundred feet in the air after an expert flier who nicked someone's paperweight. Go Gryffindor Go. Brains are for those idiot Ravenclaws after all.

8. Your house animal and mascot is a lion. There have not been enough jokes, references and funny signs made about this fact in the past thousand years so please, PLEASE, make more.

9. Try your very best not to mingle with the other houses. Slytherin, being evil and all that, is obviously off limits. But for reasons that no one quite understands, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw are also big no-no's. After all, they are in a different house to you. This is not to say that they are bad people necessarily, or even that they aren't brave, it's merely a fact which cannot be overcome. It's like Slytherins and Muggleborns. Gryffindors and other houses are un-mix-y things.

10. When in doubt, wear red. It's your house colour so you'll never look like an idiot, not even if it combines with your hair to make you look like a human flare.


	4. 10 Golden Rules for Ravenclaw Students

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill. Not mine. Not yours either unless you're that British chick who has more money than God. Do not release the hounds, the killer bees, the lawyers or the Beach Boys on me. Insert lame, 'evil lawyers' joke here. And yadda, yadda, yawn. God disclaimers are boring…

This story is getting a surprising amount of positive feedback. Not to mention intelligent (and extremely helpful) advice on improving it. So thank you everyone that did respond. Really, I'm quite stunned. Not that you should care about my amazement; I just thought I'd share. Anyway, on with the caustic cynicism.

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR RAVELCAWS**

1. Never question the fact that, despite your supposed intellect and academic excellence, some kid with bushy hair and buck teeth in a house full of loudmouthed idiots, is noticeably smarter than all of you. Satisfy yourself with the knowledge that people will always assume you're brilliant even if you're a moron, because you're in Ravenclaw.

2. If female, and unconnected to the Quibbler, you should travel in packs. When part of said pack, always giggle if appropriate. Also giggle when not appropriate. Giggle if there's ever more than one of you there. And sometimes even when there's not. To sum up - Just giggle.

3. Despite your alleged academic astuteness and perceptivity, it behoves you to demonstrate all the foresight and emotional intelligence of a hyperkinetic chinchilla, on absinthe. This extends to many aspects of life, including (but not limited to): Selling out your friends and allies because you're scared your mummy will disapprove. Attempting to become romantically involved with the only witness to your late boyfriend's untimely demise. Stealing things from the weird kid in your house. Going in a year-long huff because your date to the Yule Ball wasn't paying attention to you. Sulking so much after your girlfriend's house beat you at Quidditch that she breaks up with you just to get some peace from your incessant whining.

4. Unlike the students of other houses, you should show no particular affinity with your Head of House. In fact you should treat him with an indifference that is so well practised, it makes the rest of us wonder if Flitwick even is your Head of House.

5. Get along well with the French. Do so for no reason whatsoever.

6. Do your homework on time, and to the best of your ability. Break few rules. Do not talk back to teachers. Disguise any disagreeable aspects of your personality until such times as you are in private. Generally behave as though your grandmother is watching your every move and will die of shock should you be less than saintly. Proceed to come in last, or second last, in the race for the House Cup every, single year because you lack both initiative and character. Remain utterly nonplussed by this.

7. Separate yourself from those in other houses by remaining 'on the fence' when it comes to current political matters. While Gryffindors and Slytherins are generally expected to fall into pre-arranged camps, and Hufflepuffs are forcing themselves to choose their own political camp, Ravenclaws are not. You have no need to make a decision and live with the consequences. You are, however, more than welcome to debate and argue until your heart's content. But don't come to a conclusion. You inhabit the perpetual "Grey Area" and, come hell or high frog spawn, you will not move.

8. You must defend every student's right to sell herself and her friends out to a Government Toad-y. (That was an amphibian-based pun by the way. Toady? Anyone? … oh forget it.) See no wrong in doing so. Only display signs of outrage when the aforementioned course of action comes back to bite you in the rump.

9. Learn to become immune to any and all accusations of being 'aloof' and 'stuck up'. It is an unfortunate side-effect of being brainier than everyone else; they become jealous and spread vicious rumours that your brilliance and wit are actually signs of being a standoffish snob. As a matter of fact, standing around doing an iceberg impression, whilst appearing to be waiting for a vacancy in the Holy Trinity makes you seem approachable and fun-loving.

10. It is not your place to surpass other teams in Quidditch. You may play above average and offer sporting competition to the real Quidditch players without concern. However Slytherin and Gryffindor are the only teams worth taking seriously, And, while Hufflepuff may excel if given the correct captain, Ravenclaw may not. You are too preoccupied with scholastic achievement anyway.


	5. 5 Golden Rules for EyeTwinklers

_For** cricket song**, ask and ye shall receive. (Sorry if it's terrible.)_

**In response to the questioning masses:** Lots of people have been asking about who was supposed to have written this. In my head it was, originally, penned by … No. Wait. That would be way too easy. These Rules were originally authored by someone who attends school in the Harry Potter era so, during the books rather than in MWPP era or when Tom Riddle was attending school. I would like to see who you think did it. Because I'm weirdly curious and enjoy finding out what other people think.  
I'm not saying I won't post if I don't receive guesses or reviews, because I will. In fact, if I receive seventeen thousand requests to shut up and stop posting, I'll still update this thing. But it'd be nice to see your thoughts on the matter.

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter isn't mine. And thanks to Rebecca Ann Black, neither is Fred Weasley… well, not yet. -Grin-

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**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR EYE-TWINKLERS**

1. Find humour in the misfortune of others. Rather than point and laugh, publicly revelling in their misfortune, allow your eyes to twinkle instead. No one can tell when you are laughing at them, no one gets irritated by it and no one has the urge to drown you in a giant vat of tapioca pudding when you do it.

2. Examine the behaviour of others, while also reading up on anything and everything you can find. This will allow you to get a maddeningly superior form of eye-twinkle whenever anyone says or does anything that you may be able to, or appear to be able to, read deeper meaning into.

3. People like it when they ask you a question and your only response is an eye twinkle. It gives them warm, fuzzy feelings. More so than an actual answer or response would, any day.

4. Should someone comment on your eye-twinkling, feign ignorance.

5. Eye twinkling gains people's trust and admiration with minimum input from the twinkler in question. It is a weapon and you should treat it as such. Eye-twinklers have shown 79 more likely to rise to positions of authority with ease. It is not ethical to eye-twinkle when arguing with loved ones, duelling to the death or running for public office.

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**HEALER'S GENERAL WARNING:** Eye twinkling is generally considered harmless, however excessive eye twinkling can signal health problems which may be fatal. Most Eye-twinklers are identified at an early age and given their placement on the Sparkle Scale. If you feel your twinkle rise two or more positions on the Sparkle Scale, or you exceed seven sparkles, seek medical advice immediately. If you eyes glow in the dark it is also recommended that you seek medical attention.

Eye-Twinklers are also more prone to such conditions as X-ray vision, Death Ray eyes and 'Cartoon eyes' (eyes that pop out of one's head when startled). All perfectly treatable, do not panic.


	6. 10 Golden Rules for Slytherin Students

**Disclaimer: **-Tumbleweed rolls over disclaimer-  
-reader forced to fill in the blanks all by themselves-

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR SLYTHERIN STUDENTS**

1. If male, possess a vaguely sinister or deeply unusual surname. "Macdonald" just doesn't cut it round here.

2. As a Slytherin student you must lead the pack in smirking and sneering. These two expressions, while similar, are innately different and require separate, in depth practise and review. Remember, it takes twice as many muscles to frown as it does to smile. By smirking you are, in effect, doing both. SO PRACTISE!

3. Try not to make 'inbred' jokes. After all, you're Slytherin. And people in glass houses…

4. You have been sorted into Slytherin. If, after this, you find yourself unable to make a first year Hufflepuff cry like a baby, leave school immediately and don't return. You have to think of your House. You have to maintain their standards. It's your duty. Your duty as a complete and total… never mind.

5. The Shadows are your friend, use them to the best of your ability. They serve the purpose of offering you a dramatic entrance, slinking away, hiding your presence, hiding your illegal activities and making your face look all ominous when badly lit. All these are good things.

6. Practice use of the word "Mudblood." Not everyone can pull it off, so if your can't then take lessons. Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini and Pansy Parkinson are all available for training, and for a moderate fee will educate you. They also offer lessons in reciting "Weasley is our King" at the top of your lungs while still appearing civilised: These lessons cost more.

7. Feel free to break rules, break hearts, and break promises. But never get caught.

8. Knowledge is power, so learn all you can about everyone and file it away for later. This comes in useful, not only for blackmailing purposes, but also when convincing people you can hardly tolerate that you are their best friend. It also never hurts to have a teacher on your side. Bribes are also recommended, though blackmail and preferential treatment are both cheaper.

9. You are not Gryffindors. Unless you feel your plan is utterly foolproof -which it almost certainly isn't-, then you should have a valid and viable excuse on hand at all times, to account for your actions. You should also have the antidote to truth serum and perhaps some method of invisibility, disguised on your person at all times. You are devious and ambitious: Act like it. And remember, your house mates will sell you out as soon as look at you. If your "foolproof" plan is dependant on them, you're screwed.

10. The Potions classroom is sacred. It the only lesson which takes place in Slytherin territory, the dungeons. It is also the only class where in Slytherins are given the benefit of the doubt; this should be used to your full advantage. While messing around in Potions in acceptable, nay, _expected_, if you overdo it and mess it up for the rest of Slytherin then you will be lynched by your own house. No one wants to be lynched, so don't be an idiot.


	7. 20 Golden Rules for Students

**Disclaimer:** Blah-blah-blah.

I left the one for Hufflepuff Students on my computer at… well, "work" I suppose. Though "work" implies that I'm actually expected to do something interesting there.

**Anyway**, this one was written by Snape in response to chapter one. Other teachers helped but, since he's the snarkiest of the lot, he was the one that committed it to paper. The students were quoting it back to the teachers and tittering. They became annoyed. They struck back. Muhahaha.

:Good guesses by the way. Sorting Hat… should've thought of that one. But it's not a member of the trio, nor is it Draco Malfoy. I should point out that I don't actually expect anyone to get it. Because I'm evil like that:

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**20 GOLDEN RULES FOR HOGWARTS STUDENTS (by the Teachers)**

1. Assume that because you are not physically in my class, I have nothing to teach you. Complain loudly, vociferously and incessantly about homework and then fail to hand it in. I have nothing better to do with my life than chase after ungrateful delinquents simply to receive a piece of untidy, illegible, often stained, paper filled with their mindless drivel. I then have nothing better to do with my evenings than sit in a dark, abandoned classroom or office grading the unintelligible rubbish. There is also no possibility that this is being done for your own benefit, it is simply done for my twisted amusement.

2. If it's a particularly tricky or unusual assignment, ignore everything I have to say and just continue with what you were doing. I make this stuff up as I go along anyway and have no idea what I'm talking about.

3. In a school which has an unfortunate tendency to house dangerous man-eating creatures, be set aflame and, on rare occasions, have entire classrooms disappear with one or two students still inside, please assume your lesson is the most important thing going on. Nothing else could be competing for my attention. Certainly, nothing more important than you being forced to sit still and shut up for ten minutes.

4. If I give you homework, do not listen to the instructions given at the time. They could not possibly be helpful to you.

5. Do your best to ignore the subject during class time. I enjoy keeping you snot-nosed ingrates in my room for as long as possible. Watching you light up my life with your self-important whining is what keeps me going through those long, lonely summer months spent with intelligent people who are old enough to go to the bathroom without permission.

6. If you perform to the level you were expected to in the first place, expect never-ending praise. Correctly answering a question which you have already answered seventeen times in class is remarkable and unexpected.

7. If you perform abysmally below the expected levels and discover that other teachers are aware of this, blame me. I did it to spite you. It couldn't possibly be that other teachers were sitting in our cramped, dingy little lounge as I was marking your work and saw your score. Or even, and this excuse is so ridiculous that it hardly warrants mentioning, that there is an overlap in one or more of your subjects. That maybe, perhaps, your teachers knowing your strengths and weaknesses may benefit you… preposterous, I know.

8. Don't worry your empty little head about listening to the actual words coming out of a teacher's mouth. Don't read the textbooks on your own, either. In fact, unless it's written on the blackboard, ignore everything in the classroom except your copy of Quidditch Monthly.

9. Assume that I know the comings and goings of every single colleague. Also assume that when I don't pinpoint their exact location, that it is a personal slight against you.

10. When you receive high marks in one area of the course and are almost failing the rest of the course, do not take it upon yourself to improve your problem area. Act surprised when told that doing so would have improved your grade. When parents/guardians are annoyed with you for your performance, ignore everything they and I have to say. Assume that we're talking rubbish and that the course is meaningless anyway.

11. Feel free to interrupt constantly with your moronic and inaccurate corrections. Act mortally offended when an, otherwise perfectly reasonable, teacher snaps after your eighteenth interruption. Blame them for being arrogant, despite the fact that the past ninety-nine interruptions have been requests to go to the lavatory, or inquiries as to how one spells 'assignment'.

12. On the off chance that you are correct and I am wrong, please feel free to smugly retell the tale to everyone in your year group, house and family. Imply that I am an idiot. Feel secure in the knowledge that you are smarter than me, despite the fact that you had no clue what on Earth I was talking about for the rest of the lesson.

13. Should I find you dangling first years over the Lake, remain nonplussed as to why I wish for you to desist. Sulk for two days, and tell everyone I am a fascist. That is, after all, the only reasonable excuse for me stopping you traumatising your fellow students: To get in the way of your good, clean fun.

14. Become so involved in your own little world that you are immune to mere physical obstacles and barriers. Smash into someone, disrupt my already packed schedule as I am forced to sort out the mess and then whine. When I find your reasons for such carelessness to be pitiful and pathetic, insist that "I was thinking of doing my hair differently", is a matter of gargantuan importance. Become insulted when I disagree. Sulk once more.

15. Should you be caught talking in class, assure me that it was for a good reason. If I don't believe you, cry and blame someone else. This is the mature thing to do. You have gained my respect and admiration for doing it.

16. Come to be with your every "ickle boo boo" and paper cut. Expect me to personally escort you to the Hospital Wing, despite the fact that a second year just blew up my classroom. Become offended and emotional when I don't.

17. You are free to have bad days. You are free to hate all teachers, all students older than you, all students younger than you, or entire Houses. I am not. No matter how extreme my fury may be on any particular day, I must behave kindly, gently and as though there is a halo around my head. While, if any student were to behave in such a manner it would be cause for deification, for teachers it is par for the course.

18. If I erroneously blame you for an indiscretion, when it was in fact the fault of a student who has never formally misbehaved in my class: Assume I'm out to get you. The fact that you make a habit of upsetting the class every, single lesson should in no way skewer my opinion of you.

19. Ask my opinion of every comma you commit to paper. Expect insightful, witty responses every single time. Also expect me to have a particular opinion on your work. No work of yours is ever average. It is all breath-taxingly perfect, or so terrible it makes em want to slit my own jugular. Any apathy on my part is an attempt to confuse and disorientate you.

20. Come to me in a frenzied fit of panic whenever you break a nail. It could be a portent of an impending Armageddon and I should treat it as such. Every, single, time. "The Boy who cried wolf" mentality does not apply to teachers. We assume that every whiny-arse, crybaby is actually the Saviour of the Universe. Always.


	8. 10 Golden Rules for Hufflepuff Students

**(Just skip this part and go straight to the list if you don't care. I'll understand. Honest.)**

**Disclaimer:** Have I not explained this part already? I'm sure I have. Go back and check. It'd be easier for all of us.

**Apologies:** We were without computers for five whole days in the fluorescent-lit hell-hole last week. Which means that I spent quite a while at ridiculously old typewriters and fax machines. It took me four hours to send a memo. By the end of it I was in need of psychiatric help. Then we got it back up and had a backlog of work, which I was expected to help out with (even though it's not my job and they weren't paying me any more AND the boss got to go home grumble grumble). So my Harry-Potter-list-making Time has been rather minimal, I'm sure you'll agree. So now I'm doing them at home until their completion.

**In response to all the "Is it so-and-so" questions I can safely say…:** Yes.

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS**

1. If at first you don't succeed; try, try, and try again. And again. And again. And again. Never stop trying no matter how miserably you crash and burn. Change nothing in your attempts as you do this, merely repeat yourself. This is a display of a good work ethic rather than stupidity. The chances of you just doing something wrong to begin with are slim so ignore them completely. People respect you for this.

2. Everyone wants you to help them. Despite what they may tell you, no one wants to be left alone. Not even foul-tempered Slytherins who threaten to start using Unforgivable Curses on you if you don't get lost. They are strange creatures. This is just their way of reaching out.

3. You are a morning person. There is no way around this. Be happy every single morning, be alert every single morning, wish people 'Good Morning' in your cheeriest voice and wave enthusiastically at them. This is particularly effective before they'd had a morning coffee.

4. You have no biases. In this respect you are superior even to the messiah, however you should never be less than modest about this fact. You are "just". This means you love everybody equally until such times as they prove themselves unworthy of such care. There is no possible way you could hold a prejudice or two like the rest of the world. You are Hufflepuff.

5. Feel free to repeat the facts stated in Number 4 at your leisure to anyone who'll listen. In fact repeat them even to those who don't listen. Try to educate them and make them fairer, more equitable individuals. Ignore any requests to shut up and go away.

6. Be patient. Always be patient. Never assertive, emphatic, insistent or even frustrated. Patient. Always.

7. Always be honest. If caught out of bed by a teacher at night, be honest. If asked by your best friend if that skirt makes her rear look huge, be honest. If asked about your sexual orientation by a priest, be honest. Lying is never a better idea. Nope. Not ever.

8. Despite the rules outlined in Number 4, feel free to judge Harry Potter and condemn him as the heir of Slytherin no matter how unlikely this may be. The fact that his best friend and mother were both muggle-born means nothing.

9. Work hard. More than everyone else in fact. If even the teacher is dossing off that day, continue to work hard. Make others feel guilty by doing so. Remain certain in the knowledge that you are doing this for their own good to make them work harder themselves. Any hateful comments directed at you for this are not meant.

10. Be happy, light-hearted and downright chipper at all points in time. Never grow tired of doing this. Should your mother, father, sister, grandmother and dog all die simultaneously in front of you, you are still not permitted to be surly. Spread the joyfulness around and ignore any death threats you receive from realists. When they say "_Stop your incessant cheerfulness or I will rip out your eyeballs_" what they really mean is "_Thank you for bringing light and happiness to my life_." They just don't know how to express their gratitude.


	9. 10 Golden Rules for Weasleys

**Disclaimer:** Must we go through this every time?

**Author's Note to the inquisitive masses:** The list was authored by a male, whom nobody has really heard talk much. No it's not a Weasley and no it's not Neville… but a part of me really wants it to be Neville -grin-

**Additional, in response to Etoile Skies: **Holy Gods. I forgot about Time Capsule. Yes it will be updated in the next few days. So sorry. It completely slipped my mind. -hides face in shame-

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR WEASLEYS**

1. If anyone, ever, should happen to casually mention that you can't afford something, become mortally offended. This is a personal slight directed at you, rather than a statement of fact.

2. When in doubt, swear.

3. Mi amigo es su amigo. A person may not like one of you and dislike another. You come as a group. Remember that.

4. Harry Potter is god.

5. Despite being a perfectly fit and healthy individual, who is particularly skilled at several less-than-pleasant curses, you are hereby ordered to treat your youngest sibling as though she is as helpless as a tetraplegic puppy in the middle of the M1 during rush hour. Her requests for you to stop doing this are not relevant. Nor are the multiple examples of her cursing you for this behaviour.

6. Weasleys no not study. They may do homework, and pass tests with flying colours. They may become Head Boy, they get into an elite Dragon raising programme, they may invent ingenious products. But they may never study. Any Weasley who does study should be treated as an outcast.

7. Quidditch is life. And don't you forget it.

8. Any suggestions that it's spattergoit instead of freckles should be responded to in the same manner as a suggestion that you are evil incarnate and will bring about the destruction of the human race. Laughing at oneself is for the weak. You do not laugh at yourself. Instead, you attack.

9. Your sister was maliciously and cruelly fooled by Lord Voldemort, after he tricked her using his sneakiness and cunning. Everyone else who is tricked by Voldemort is weak, lacking character and evil to their very core.

10. Mother always knows best.


	10. 10 Golden Rules for Large Black Dogs

**Disclaimer:** I own nuthink.

**Author's Note: **AmoriaBlack gets a cookie. I've decided. She is indeed correct, and hopefully her remarks combined with brilliant deductions on the part of the readers of this chapter will clarify who the Sarcastic Git is. Oh and if anyone had any particular requests for chapters, may I recommend asking me in the very near future so I can get it done. Thank you.

* * *

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR LARGE BLACK DOGS AT HOGWARTS

1. Have an unhealthy attachment to any and all Gryffindor students. Salivating all over their person, attaching thyself to their limbs, barking uncontrollably, wagging your tail with dangerous ferociousness and all around hyperactivity is recommended whenever you come in contact with them. Bystanders be damned.

2. Be uncannily aware of illegal Animagi at all points in time.

3. While you may be aware of the illegal Animagi, and while you may communicate with perfect eloquence the fact that you want to go for a walk around the lake instead of around the forest, any attempts to communicate illegal Animagi will result in your untimely demise. (In accordance with Prophecy number 7, from Lassie the Great Canine Seer)

4. Despite repeated opportunities, never under any circumstances hunt and kill Mrs Norris. Ignore the fact that, as a dog, it is your JOB to hunt down cats and also ignore the fact that you would be held in such esteem by students that you may well be elevated to the status of Dog God on Earth. Leave her be. It's fine, really.

5. Howl a lot. No one minds. Honest.

6. If you discover one day that you are any smaller than an obese grizzly bear, compensate accordingly by jumping up at people. Even people who don't want you to jump up.

7. Drool is endearing, not disgusting.

8. Should I arrive for Care Of Magical Creatures with a bacon sandwich snatched from the breakfast table in an attempt to curb my ravenous appetite after sleeping late… feel free to take it from me as soon as my attention turns to the teacher.

9. Upon stealing the aforementioned bacon sandwich, inhale it with such speed and hostility that none of it actually comes in contact with your taste buds. Whilst I was savouring every delicious, perfectly cooked mouthful it gives me immense pleasure to watch you swallow it in one gulp. Without even chewing. My pleasure is your pleasure.

10. Roll in mud, swamp water, and any foul substance you can find until you positively reek of every malodorous mephitis you can get your grubby little paws near. Then attack Care of Magical Classes at your leisure. They'll think it's "cute".


	11. 31 Golden Rules per Hair Colour

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. JK Rowling's.

**Author's note:** Comparitively long. Since I don't think it was really worth splitting it up into different entries, do you?

**ADDITIONAL NOTE: **By the way, JK Rowling also gets a cookie after her comments on "empty-headed, self-obsessed, emancipated clones". Which cheered me up to no end, and gave me hope that the trend of _Slutty, Giggly, Brain-dead, Peroxide, Blondes, In Outfits That Show More Skin Than An Aerial View Of A Male-Pattern-Baldness Conference And Measure Life By Their Outfits _is nearing it's end. (Please God, let it be nearing it's end. I'm a brunette, with a proper sized dog and jeans that actually cover my posterior, who hates clothes shopping! And dammit! I'm sick of that being a bad thing!)

* * *

**GOLDEN RULES FOR EACH HAIR COLOUR**

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR BLONDES**

1. No Hogwarts student may possess golden blonde hair unless they are in Hufflepuff. If in Hufflepuff then you will be regarded as a colour coordinator and therefore commended for your foresight. Otherwise, golden blonde hair is strictly verboten. Dirty-Blonde is accepted though not encouraged. Silver- or White-Blonde hair is more than acceptable however, as it allows the rest of us to ponder which of your ancestors copulated with a Veela. In the case of males it also allows those of us with some rudimentary knowledge of Muggle Pop-Culture to compare you to Billy Idol. Let me assure you, this is a lot more entertaining than it sounds. Particularly when photographs of you are charmed to sing White Wedding.

2. If female you must let your hair grow long. Certainly past the shoulders, preferably to your waist. You are blonde and female, as such you clearly have no comprehension of practicality even if you _are_ supposedly intelligent. If male you must either grease your hair back, or let it grow to your shoulders or longer as well. In the case of the later, it is not recommended that you use a bow to tie it back lest you be mistaken for an eight year old girl from behind.

3. Your hair should always be styled and maintained with neurotic attentiveness.

4. Your grasp on reality should be questionable at best.

5. Any romantic involvement with someone who possesses a more dominant hair colour should be discouraged. Blondes should only reproduce with blondes, as this preserves the alien Master race's purity… I mean… er… It preserves the hair colour. Yeah. Right. That's what I mean.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR RED-HEADS**

1. Freckles are a must. If you are a red-head without freckles, then it behoves you to charm some onto your face. Preferably an 'adorable sprinkling across the nose' as this makes almost everyone in the sighted community go "Aww!" whenever they see you. This will hold true even if you are torturing them to death at the time.

2. a. You must have a "temper to match your hair". This means almost-constant irascibility. You may never be cold and calculating. We don't care what house you're in. However, after your initial outburst you may (should the situation allow for it) plot your revenge.

2. b. If plotting revenge, be devious and brilliant. Nobody likes a narrow-minded red-head so think outside the box.

3. Resign yourself to the fact that somebody, somewhere will, eventually, start referring to you only as "Red". This is neither inventive, nor enjoyable for you however it will happen. There is nothing you can do to avoid this. However when the time comes you are honour-bound to point out how moronic the nickname is at least seventeen times a day to the person that uses it until such times as they stop using it.

4. As a red-head your hair must, as is more-or-less implied, be red. Fire-Engine red, flaming red, even hair that oddly resembles a strawberry is acceptable. However no Hogwarts student, male or female, may have blatantly orange hair. This inevitably leads to carrot-top jokes and this institution does not hold with that sort of thing.

5. For reasons which nobody quite understands, every red-head that enters Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry has the cojones of a Savannah Elephant. Though this does not always translate into bravery, it is safe to say that their effrontery, brashness and, on occasion, outright impudence unquestionably makes certain classes interesting.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH BLACK HAIR**

1. Your hair can exist in one of two extremes: Effortless elegance, health and manageability, or disastrous. There will be no in betweens, and no exceptions to the rule. The "disastrous" extreme may be attained in a number of ways. Chronic greasiness, perpetual defiance, unnatural immunity to styling products, startling coarseness and countless other hairdressers nightmares, all being big favourites.

2. Your hair must be compared to an infinite number of things. Onyx, jet, ink, soot, sable, coal, raven, midnight and starless-nights being the main offenders, however there is little doubt that more will be invented in the not-too-distant future. No matter how cripplingly mortifying these analogies may be, you must simply grin and bear it.

3. You _must_ be as stubborn as a mule twenty-four hours a day.

4. Your eye-colour must also be note-worthy. People with jet black hair do not have boring eye colours. Watery-blue would never happen. Nor would boring brown. Your eyes must either be conspicuously bright or pre-eminently dark, nearing black. They must also either be large and of a distinctive shape, or small and beady.

5. If female, you must condition your hair until it gleams like a Victorian Widower's lapel button. If male, someone will doubtless try to convince you that growing a goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind is a good idea. Should you acquiesce the diabolical genius in question, then rest assured that this goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind, in no way makes you look like the spawn of the Devil. Any suggestions that it does are merely in jest. Small children may run screaming from you on the street, girls may pale and politely decline any offer to go out with you and priests may get an oddly business-like look around you, but none of these events are in any way related to your goatee/moustache/facial-hair-of-some-kind.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH UNREMARKABLE HAIR-COLOURS (a.k.a. brunettes)**

1. Few people will be attracted to you for your hair colour alone, therefore you must be stunningly gorgeous to get any play.

2. If your hair is mousy brown, has absolutely no remarkable characteristics and is not even really worth mentioning, you will die painfully at the hands of an evil overlord or one -more likely- of his minions. You will also be boring. Such is life.

3. Your personality may vary widely as there are no character traits associated with your hair colour. This inevitably means that -since you probably have a decent grasp on reality, are probably not inclined to fly off the handle at the least little thing and will not be a stubborn enough gimp to do anything drastic out of spite- you will be accused of being straight-laced and boring by any friends of your who have one of the aforementioned hair colours.

4. Your magical may also vary widely, but no matter how hard you try you will never be regarded as brilliant. Even if you are.

5. If you have light brown hair and dye it dark brown, no one will notice. If you have dark brown hair and dye it light brown, no one will notice. If you have any kind of brown hair and dye it another colour, people will assume to know your personality based on the colour you choose.

6. Fortuitously, you can disappear into a crowd with relative ease, unless you are wearing something especially eye-catching. However, this is only really relevant if you lean towards the 'interesting' end of the personality spectrum and therefore participate in activities that require you not be spotted.

7. People will invariably assume that you have brown eyes and tan well. If you, in fact, have luminous purple eyes and burn like kindling on a bonfire then it does not matter. You will never be able to convince anyone otherwise anyway.

8. If you are female, brunette, and considered attractive by the opposite sex, try not to take it personally when your significant other still ends up ogling every blonde or red-head that comes near him. It's nothing personal, it's just that red and yellow are the two most noticeable colours to the human eye and so it's inbuilt.

9. If male, brunet, and considered attractive, intelligent, funny, kind and the general embodiment of everything every girl says they look for in a boyfriend and yet still unable to get a girlfriend to save yourself, do not despair. Similarly, if your blond, repulsive, brain-dead, scumbag friend is having to fight off girl's with a stick while you don't even get a second glance, do not blame the female species. It won't take them long come around, and they can't really help themselves so it's not their fault.

10. Take comfort in the fact that your hair colour is the dominant gene and that, in a few more generations, those irritating recessive hair colours will have been bred out of the gene pool completely. You will have world domination. Insert malevolent cackle here.

**-**

**SINGLE GOLDEN RULE FOR PEOPLE WITH WHITE HAIR**

1. You are the epitome of all that is great, glorious and good in the world. If in doubt, see Gandalf the grey versus. Gandalf the White. That should spell it out for you.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH GREY HAIR**

1. Scaring young children is fun, easy and effortless since all children fear old people. Whether you are actually old or just greying prematurely is not important. Terrify them frequently and with varying degrees of intensity. Do so for no apparent reason.

2. All grey hair can be easily attributed to your children. If you have no children it can be attributed to you irresponsible siblings. If you have no irresponsible siblings it can be attributed to your job. No grey hair is ever your fault or merely a side-effect of age. Someone out there is accountable for each and every one on your head.

3. Grey hair must be scraped back into a bun or allowed to flow freely in a grizzly mess around your head. There can be no grey areas. (Get it? -snigger-)

4. The simple fact that you have grey hair means that people will assume you have harrowing tales to tell about your life. It doesn't matter if you spent your entire existence knitting, you'd damn well better have some good stories to tell. Failure to comply will result in your public flagellation.

5. Thirty year olds with grey hair do not have the aforementioned hair colour due to genetics or a lack of melanin. They must harbour some deep, dark secret which is constantly pressing on their minds. It is recommended that you try to discover this secret as soon as you come across such an individual, as it will save you both a lot of trouble in the long run.


	12. 20 Golden Rules for First Years

**Disclaimer:** …

…

… You figure it out.

* * *

**20 GOLDEN RULES FOR FIRST YEARS**

1. Always assume that, because we are older than you and have been here longer than you, we know how to direct you from one end of the castle to the other clearly, succinctly and with complete accuracy. This holds true even if you are asking Ravenclaws to navigate the dungeons and even if you are asking Slytherins how to get to Gryffindor tower. We will automatically know. Anyone who claims not to, is lying. Anyone who gets an instruction or two wrong is doing so maliciously and with intent to wound.

2. Insignificant minutiae, such as the password to your common room and the fact that locked doors are generally locked for a reason, are only of importance after you have been attending Hogwarts for at least six months. Prior to the six month mark, you may forget as many passwords as you like and spend as much time as you see fit yanking on doors that, quite clearly, do not wish to be opened. The rest of us don't mind.

3. Should you come in contact with an older student, a teacher, a ghost, a caretaker or -indeed- a caretaker's evil cat: Tremble. Whimpering is also acceptable though frowned upon after the first two months.

4. You levitated something (whoop-dee-doo), and are therefore the greatest Wizard/Witch of our times. The whole wide world should acknowledge this fact.

5. On your first night here, two fifth-year Prefects showed you to your common room and told you about Hogwarts. Chances are, they told you that if you had a problem or a question about the school then you shouldn't hesitate to ask them. They may have even made a slothful attempt or two to convince you that they were your friends. Let us be clear: You will never be permitted to speak with these people again. Ever.

6. You may occasionally see signs on Mr Filch's door prohibiting a number of enjoyable, but occasionally dangerous, activities. For example the most recent "Do not dare Peeves to do ANYTHING to the Teacher's lounge or YOU will be punished for it" notice. Do not heed these signs for they are merely meant as jokes. A quaint example of Hogwarts humour.

7. Just because your old Headmaster/Headmistress/Personal-Tutor/Mum says that you're the smartest ickle Witch or Wizard ever to attend Hogwarts, does not mean that you actually are. But by all means, continue to act as though it does. When we, the upperclassmen, are feeling particularly vindictive you are effectively narrowing our target from "All First Years" to "That Smug Little Git Who Thinks He's Kind Of The Universe". So you go right ahead.

8. No one could _possibly_ understand how tough your workload is. Not OWL students, and certainly not NEWTS students. They don't have any idea how much harder Hogwarts is than Primary school. The fact that they too were once First Years and are assuring you that things will only get worse, is neither here nor there.

9. Homesickness is for the weak.

10. All older students are only there to ruin you. Despite their repeated assurances that they regard you with an indifference, bordering on aversion, they are plotting against you. (Remember this next time you ask for directions, you hapless little ingrates.)

11. Back in your old school you were top of the food chain. The other children were all scared of you and you were the smartest, most responsible, most well-respected year group there was… This is no longer the case. Get used to it.

12. When you see older students (mostly Fifth, Sixth and Seventh years) rushing to get to their next class or trying to get back to their dormitory to grab a piece of homework due in three minutes time, it is your obligation to trip over and land right in front of them. Preferably injuring yourself and emptying the contents of your bag across the largest surface area possible while you do so. This not only has the dual benefit of startling and delaying your target, but also ensures that they feel honour-bound to escort you to the Hospital Wing and collect your belongings for you.

13. If an upperclassman spots you crying you may indiscriminately use the line "I bet you would've cried too if this happened to you when you were my age!" The response of the upperclassman to your weeping is not important, you must still use this line. It doesn't matter what this is in reference to, you will inevitably be right and the upperclassman will feel like scum for the rest of the day. Possibly the rest of the week, if you were small, cute and female. Possibly the rest of the year if you were small, cute, female and you have no friends.

14. Running around, giggling, screaming, screeching, yelling, swearing, throwing things, catching things, failing to catch things, tripping over, knocking things over, playing games or showing any undue levels of hyperactivity in the common room during exam time can, and will, result in your excruciatingly painful death. If you are not bright enough to grasp this concept, you deserve everything that's coming to you.

15. Talking back to a sixth or seventh year student (particularly a male sixth or seventh year student) is rather like driving a faulty motorcycle across the roof of the North Tower: Everyone will be awed and respectful if you manage to live through it, and even more so if you do it with some finesse. But the chances are you will crash and burn, and that everyone will point and laugh when you do.

16. It doesn't matter which class you are in, what year you are in, or, indeed, which century you attended school in: The answer to question Forty Seven on the end of year History of Magic test is "247 AD". You may as well know this now as everyone else does.

17. You _must_ have ridiculous hair. If you are taller than your peers then it is how we distinguish you from second years.

18. On the train to school, you may fraternize with anyone you want. In school however, you may not associate with anyone outside your House for the first two years. Unless you are related to them. This is just the way of things.

19. Getting on the teacher's good side early guarantees you smooth sailing for the next seven years. Similarly, if you spectacularly screw-up your first lesson in any subject, then that teacher will continue to think of you as inept and brainless for the rest of your life. It doesn't matter whether you mess up again or not, nor does it matter if you go on to become top of the class. Just resign yourself to this fact now and get it out of the way.

20. If you somehow achieve the impossible, an upperclassman ally, then please use every opportunity you come across to share with them unending twaddle about the unfairness of life. First Years aren't meant to have older friends anyway and by doing this you are ensuring that you most certainly DO NOT have one. Or, at least, you won't by the end of the conversation.


	13. 10 Golden Rules for Seventh Years

**Disclaimer:** Despite ardent and repeated requests, JK Rowling has still refused to give me the rights to Harry Potter.

Shocking, I know.

Oh, and do you know that at the end of this post I will have made 176 Golden Rules? And that I'm not even half done yet? It's scary.

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR SEVENTH YEARS**

1. "You're the Kings of the Castle, and we're just Dirty Wee Rascals…" Yes, that's right. You rule this school now. Teachers are unimportant and the Headmaster has nothing on you. You. Rule. All. Never let anyone forget it, even for a moment.

2. Your time is precious, and so you must appear to be deeply exasperated if, and when, someone who is not in Seventh year makes any attempt to speak with you.

3. Despite your precious time, you are not allowed to rush anywhere. You walk at a leisurely pace. You do not hurry your meals. While in class you must appear idle at all points in time, even when taking frantic notes in the fervent hope that they will somehow get you through your exams unscathed. Which brings me to the next rule…

4. You must be constantly terrified about your exams. And about your life after school, and about your love life, and about your hair. Though you may never allow younger students to see this aspect of Seventh year. This way you can set them up so that when THEY go into Seventh year, they will be stunned and disappointed, thereby insuring that you do in fact have the last laugh.

5. At this stage in proceedings, if you still can't do Non-Verbal Spells then you never will. Stop trying. The other years are all making fun of you and you are giving your entire year group a bad name.

6. If on the Quidditch team, speak incessantly about which qualities your replacement should have. Even if you yourself possess none of these qualities.

7. Feign camaraderie with your Professors. This will leave First, Second and Third Years in awe of your maturity and easy-going sociability. Fourth year, Fifth years and Sixth years are all too preoccupied with actual work to care what your relationship with your teachers is like however, so don't expect a response from them. NOTE: Feigning camaraderie with Professors Snape or McGonagall is not recommended to those who wish to retain their extremities. ADDITIONAL NOTE: Any form of association with Professor Trelawney is not recommended to those who wish to retain their faculties.

8. If you have not yet had at least one conversation with the Headmaster, in his office, then now is the time to do so. In order to be immediately escorted to his office, this Sarcastic Git enthusiastically advocates feeding Hufflepuffs to the Giant Squid. Risible and effectual. (Once in Headmaster's office, demand to know why you've never been in there while Harry Potter practically has a standing appointment. Act offended.)

9. Upon entering the last month of your education, you must have a nervous breakdown. The fears you have about the outside world, your place in it, the doors that will be closed to you if you don't get the results you need, etc, etc, must all catch up with you. When they do, you must be reduced to a wreck of a human being for at least two days, preferably longer. This break down is mandatory.

10. Accept the fact that your exit from the school will not be as impressive as the Weasley twins'. _No one's_ exit from the school will be as impressive as the Weasley twins'.


	14. 10 Rules for Harry Potter Devotees

**Disclaimer:** -petulant expression- Right, that's it. I'm not doing any more of these. Everybody is nice and clear on the fact that I don't own Harry Potter? Everyone will remember this for the following chapters? Good. Because I'm sick of repeating it and trying to be amusing. It doesn't work.

**-Grin-:** This is actively being written for **CAP. L** who keeps reviewing like three seconds after I post. It cheers me up. This is the last one tonight though. I have a new book I want to read sometime this month…

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR HARRY POTTER DEVOTEES AT HOGWARTS**

1. The fact that Harry Potter has shown little to no interest in dating over the past six years, and is (according to some very catchy limericks on certain bathroom cubicles) of questionable orientation, should in no way affect your belief that he spends his nights dreaming about going out with you. Nor should the fact that he has no idea who you are and has consistently neglected to notice your existence for six years, in any way dwindle your enthusiasm.

2. Though you are not in his house, you should feel more than within your rights to arrive at his Quidditch practises and swoon. You should also sigh dreamily, fan yourself down and imagine what your children would look like at every available opportunity. No one will mock you for this.

3. Conveniently forget the fact that, less than a year ago, you thought he was a nutcase and repeatedly did impressions of him experiencing syncope in the middle of the hallway, screaming that "the Dark Lord was going to beat him to death with a halibut". Accuse anyone who does not have a selective memory of spreading vicious rumours to "harm your chances with Harry Potter."

4. Constantly regale us all with details of his "big green eyes" and "adorably untidy jet-black hair". The fact that he's a goggly-eyed midget with scruffy hair has _honestly_ escaped our notice all these years.

5. The attempted use of love potion on Harry Potter is in no way immoral or irresponsible and couldn't _possibly_ end badly for anyone. And no one notices when one of their friends or classmates suddenly becomes unnaturally obsessed with someone they didn't know existed ten minutes previously. Ergo no one is capable of taking him to see the Potions Master and having an antidote shoved down his throat. And of course, he wouldn't be outraged or offended that you would attempt such a thing, because the guy hasn't had enough people trying to brainwash him over the years.

6. Mistletoe is your friend. As is the "New Year's Kiss" tradition. Should we have a raving lunatic as our Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher, you have no option but to grab one of the many surly-looking dwarves dressed up as Cupid and send them after Harry Potter, complete with nauseating poetry.

7. If you have a friend or friends who do not share your obsession with the Boy-Who-Won't-Bloody-Die, then you must abandon them at once. They do not know of what they speak. They are clearly delusional and unable to think straight. If they assure you that they DO hold him in high regard, but they are not quite as obsessed as you then they must still be cut loose. You are not obsessed. And don't let any restraining orders taken out against you, tell you differently.

8. Begin to become obsessed with his red-haired sidekick as well. Do so for reasons known only to yourself, and reasons which will hopefully remain that way.

9. Ignore any suggestion that your behaviour will cause you embarrassment in the future. No one has ever looked back on childhood fixations like that and cringed. The person who is suggesting it to you is simply trying to get you out of the picture, so they can have Potter all to themselves.

10. No other males exist inside Hogwarts. Don't forget this fact.


	15. 30 Rules for the Inordinately Talented

**See this is totally my fault this wasn't posted earlier:** I um… well I decided to Google this idea to see if I was blatantly plagiarizing anyone without my knowledge. (Good news, I don't think I am.) Anyway I ended up on and became addicted to reading JKR interviews and playing Harry Potter hangman (yes, I am _that_ pathetic). But anyway. Lookie. Update.

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**GOLDEN RULES FOR THE INORDINATELY TALENTED**

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR LEGILIMENS/OCCLUMENS**

1. Eyes must be 'penetrating' at all times. Or at least referred to as such by those who are trying to flatter you. What this term really means is: "Eyes must make everyone you look at, feel oddly as though they should just cut their losses, pitch a tent and charge admission."

2. Despite your position as one of the most brilliant and talented Legilimens in the world today, you will still be completely unable to figure out that your fellow teacher is Voldemort. Revelations of that particular nature are far beyond your comprehension and should, instead, be left to eleven year olds who are clearly more capable.

3. Despite the fact that the actual word "Legilimens" comes from the Latin roots "_Legens_ - A Reader" and "_Mens_ - Mind", you must denounce anyone who calls it Mind-reading as an asinine half-wit who doesn't know what they're talking about.

4. Even though you can peruse people's innermost thoughts and feelings, like most do the morning papers, you should remain completely unable to spot when someone is lying about why they haven't done their homework.

5. If you have spent the many years required to become a skilled Occlumens and have attained levels of self-restraint and control that most of us could only dream of… don't both figuring out how to act inconspicuous. Don't learn how to lie without stuttering and don't behave like a regular person. You, as a skilled Occlumens, should be easily distinguished as such in a crowd. It's a little known side-effect.

6. If you are a complete novice at Legilimency and Occlumency then you may rest assured that lying through your teeth to an expert in the field is relatively straight-forward. Try not to think the phrase "I'm lying!" and attempt to avoid eye-contact. Sing an annoying song in your head, such as "The Sun Has Got His Hat On", "This is the Song That Never Ends", Popcorn, or the theme tune to the Great Escape. The invading force in your mind will become so infuriated that they leave your mind immediately. Not applicable if you've got a lightning-shaped Homing beacon, smack in the middle of your forehead. Then you're on your own.

7. While it would be considered unseemly to jump up and down saying "I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!" all day and every day, you may still imply it whenever you see fit. You may also look maddeningly superior at all times.

8. When teaching Legilimency/Occlumency to the next generation it is generally advisable not to sit around thinking about all the truly humiliating things that you '_hope you don't reveal to them_' beforehand.

9. If, however, you just can't seem to help yourself from dwelling on your most embarrassing memories, you may empty the recollections of your choice into a rare, magical object borrowed from your boss. You may then leave this magical object in plain sight, where any idiot could talk a look see.

10. Despite the fact that Veritaserum distribution is controlled by strict Ministry Guidelines because it is so revealing and mortifying for the user, Legilimency may be used indiscriminately without causing you, the Legilimens, any moral dilemmas whatsoever.

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**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR METAMORPHAGUS**

1. If trapped in cabin with strangers who do not know about your special ability and who do not have immediate access to some other form of entertainment, do not reveal your Metamophagus status. You will become the main source of entertainment. If you are not in the mood, it doesn't matter. If you are grievously injured, it doesn't matter. You will be forced to gratify their every convoluted desire like some sycophantic performing dog. Much better for you to keep your mouth shut. (And preferably in human form.)

2. For reasons that no one is entirely clear on, you will have trouble transforming when experiencing extreme emotional stress. You should, therefore, have knowledge a back up charm or two to alter your appearance should your career depend upon your abilities. At the very least, have a wig and a fake moustache in your back pocket at all times. Extreme emotional stress tends to sneak up on a person. If this were not the case, one would assume you would be able to avoid the emotional stress altogether. So be prepared.

3. Should your Metamorphagus status be well-known (which it probably will be since none of your lot seem intelligent enough to keep it secret), then be very careful when dating. If you are male and your girlfriend asks you to look like Johnny Depp, run! If you are female and your boyfriend asks you to look like any Star Trek character, run! If you are of either gender and your partner asks you to look like a non-human-entity, RUN! These are not healthy relationships and you'll be better off alone.

4. We all know you can change your hair colour at will. Stop showing off.

5. If you can't hold a regular conversation for more than ten minutes without mentioning the fact that you are a Metamorphagus, then you are not interesting enough to be allowed out. Throw yourself off the Astronomy tower immediately.

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**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PARSELMOUTHS**

1. Since your talent usually manifests itself with or without your consent (and since you'll be an occupant of the Planet Earth and therefore governed by Murphy's Law) you will likely find yourself throws of a sibilant fit at the most inopportune times, such as in public or when saving an ungrateful little gimp from an evil snake. There is nothing you can do to stop this.

2. Conversely, if you start talking Snake in the middle of a date, you have no one but yourself to blame.

3. People will assume you're evil. You see Slytherin was a Parselmouth, and since he has gotten some rather bad press for the past seventy-odd years this will reflect on you. No one cares about any great, glorious, good deeds you have done. You can hiss and spit with snakes and are therefore the spawn of Satan.

4. While we can make the general assumption that grass-snakes will not be fantastic confabulators, they will be far superior conversationalists to any Witch Weekly readers. You have been warned.

5. Should you find yourself face-to-face with a terrifying, gargantuan beast who just so happens to be (you guessed it) a giant snake, you will be oddly able to order it around. Forget the fact that there isn't a single English-speaking human being on the face of the Earth you could just walk up to and say "Do this, do that, stop doing that, and do this like this!" and expect them to do it just because they understand what you're saying; the mere fact that you have legs is apparently enough for a snake to abandon any and all plans of it's own and do what you say. Despite being widely regarded as the wisest of all creatures, serpents are apparently easily indoctrinated merely by the sight of feet. Do not question this.

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR SEERS**

1. You are rather like Legilimens in the sense that you are required, by law, to have an infuriatingly condescending, superior air about you at all times.

2. You may also rest assured that we all believe you are "All-knowing", even when you somehow wind up in a state of shock when a Toad-looking woman with a pink bow tells you to hop it.

3. You may not look like a regular human being. You must glitter, jangle and shimmer or else no one will believe that you are somehow connected to another realm. Because of course, gleaming like a magpie's nest and ringing like a bell whenever you walk down the corridor is a sure sign of insight.

4. Even though your lot has been drivelling on about impending doom since the dawn of time, and even though we're all still here and relatively cheerful (all things considered), you must make a point of vocalizing your unending pessimism. Do so every, bloody, day. No one will tire of it.

5. Even though the only that listen to you are thirteen year old girls, you must constantly refer to what you do as a "Science". Even though it's not. Because science can be measured and disproved. Nothing you say could ever possibly be disproved. Know why?

6. You must insist upon being incurably vague. Even a simple "Yes or no" answer is too much to ask from you. It's all 'if this, this, this and this happens then we'll all be doomed'. "Would you like sugar in your tea?"

"Ah well, if Venus is rising while Jupiter's third moon is looking a bit purple-y and there are eighteen marigolds in bloom on Tuscany's highest balcony then no, otherwise yes."

7. Feel free to see things that nobody else is capable of seeing in teacups. No one can see through you. Honest.

8. If you happen to be in possession of six limbs and a tail, start speaking about profound garbage which no one else could possibly comprehend unless they lived inside your head. Perhaps not even then. This will make girls who aren't busy swan diving off Quidditch stands to get a better look at Harry Potter, go on and on about how 'like, totally deep and thoughtful' you are. Pretend not to notice this.

9. If you ever decide to leave your classroom, then feel free to swan around predicting everyone's doom at your leisure.

10. Expect to be given credit for your most recent, most accurate and most repeated prediction: _Harry Potter is in grave danger_! Congratulations. -slow clapping- (The rest of us had never guessed.)


	16. 50 Golden Rules for MoM Personnel

**A/N:** Okay, I used to play solitaire to calm me down when people annoyed me, now I write these. Which is why this section, Ministry of Magic, may be ever so slightly longer than the others and also why it may get just a touch more personal. I have issues with bureaucrats. Not even eighteen yet and I'm this bitter… Hmm.

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**50 GOLDEN RULES FOR MINISTRY OF MAGIC PERSONNEL**

1. Should you be in your current position, only because the more suitable candidate declined the job then you should pretend you know nothing about this other candidate.

2. You should then write to this other candidate twelve or thirteen times a day, asking for advice. This advice may range from "Should we get involved in the Russian Quidditch dispute?" to "Should I wear the brown shoes or the black ones to the Italian Minister's cocktail party?"

3. When the other candidate then tells you that the most evil Wizard of our times is back and on the rampage, you should stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is happening. The patented "Ignore it and maybe it'll go away" response is usually best when it comes to all-powerful lunatics, hell bent on genocide, after all.

4. If one serial killer escapes Azkaban then you should pull out all the stops in getting him back. Dementors on every street corner, Aurors on high alert, constant never-ending checks on school aged children who may be hiding him in the back of their jeans. I mean really, how much damage can an army of soul-suckers really do in a school? Hmm?

5. Continue the measures outlined in number 4, for a whole year. Then stop. Keep a small team of three or four Aurors on the job and try to forget the whole thing ever happened.

6. On the flip side of the coin, when ten Death Eaters break out of Azkaban, do nothing.

7. The best and most easily accessible place for a visitor's entrance is in a phone-box located on street, colloquially known as "Crack addict avenue". No one is ever inconvenienced by this and whoever thought of it deserves a medal.

8. If I am intending to enter the premises and slaughter everyone I see using Dark Magic far in advance of anything your puny mortal minds could comprehend I will, of course, submit to a search first and wear my nametag at all times.

9. During the aforementioned search, I fully expect my wand to be taken from me and registered. Because, of course, knowing the core of my wand and it's date of purchase will be of utmost importance as I reign blood, terror and chaos down on your contemptible little establishment. I will, naturally, continue to wear my nametag at all times.

10. Of course, when six school-aged children and a small platoon of Death Eaters decide to break into the Ministry of Magic, there should be no one there to do so much as blink an eye.

11. If you are the only person in the entire Ministry qualified to do your job -a job which may or may not relate to urgent matters, vital in the fight against Voldemort or continued running of the Magical World- feel free to take as many sick days as you like for no reason at all. Yes, we all realise that reliability is important, but so is your need to remain an enigma.

12. If, however, there are several people capable of doing your job, you must show up every day without fail and take charge of every situation. Even situations you have no right to take charge of. Incidentally, you should be about as useful in your current vocation as a condom machine in the Vatican.

13. If someone needs something done quickly, there will be paper work to fill in.

14. This paperwork will need to be filled out in triplicate, and will need seven separate forms to confirm that the first form was received and filled out in triplicate. After this there will be at least two more forms that will have to be signed by four separate people, only two of whom will be located within the building at any one time. After that you may deliver the initial request to have something done quickly. Your request will be dealt with as soon as Mary gets back from her three month tour of Asia, which she planned and saved up for while you were filling out forms in triplicate.

15. Thanks to some Bright-Spark's genius plan for inter-office messaging there will be at least seventy paper aeroplanes flying around the office at any one time. Despite having twenty-six separate charms to make these aeroplanes go faster, fly lower, look prettier, spiral more, etc, the Ministry of Magic and it's workers have yet to invent a method for preventing these aeroplanes from flying into one's eye. You have been warned.

16. No form, file, legislation, or memo will be named something easy to remember. There will either be an impossibly long identification number or a mind-boggling acronym. This means you will be forced to write lists of the relevant ID numbers and acronyms on small yellow notepads provided. Parenthetically, these notepads must be given ID numbers.

17. The highest-ranking administrator in any one office must, through some law of nature that no one is entirely clear on, be an insufferable fascist scumbag. No one may question this. After all, Hitler certainly got the trains to run on time… to be fair, they were going to Death Camps, but that's just one more comparison between Nazi Germany and the Ministry of Magic to add to the list.

18. In your place of work there will be a gorgeous, rather well endowed young woman. She should have first priority. Always. Even if she's a tea girl.

19. Notice to Aurors: Even though you will be risking your lives on an almost daily basis doing a job which very few other people are qualified to do, you will be one of the most poorly paid Ministry of Magic employees there is, perhaps paid even less than the aforementioned tea girl. You are not permitted to complain about this. Ever.

20. Notice to brand spanking new Aurors: You are the lowest of the low. All terrible jobs will be yours. All pointless, thankless jobs will be yours. If in doubt of the location of your cubicle just follow the flushing sound. If it's occupied, too bad. Your working conditions will only be improved when there is an even newer Auror, or when one of your superiors dies.

21. Notice to secretaries and assistants: Whilst most of your superiors _are_ over seventeen, their IQ _isn't_. You will be expected to compensate accordingly.

22. Additional notice to secretaries and assistants: No matter what you may have been told your duties were, the basic definition of your job is to do three-times as much work as your immediate superior, let them take credit for it and keep your mouth shut when they blame you for their mistakes. While most people could hardly blame you for your less than superb job-enthusiasm, here in the Ministry of Magic we believe that intrinsic motivation is key.

23. So become intrinsically motivated, or you're sacked.

24. The publication of garish purple pamphlets, entitled "Protecting your home and family against Dark Forces!" is a much more important task for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement than actually doing something to stop the Dark Forces in question.

25. The statement of the blindingly obvious within these pamphlets is tremendously helpful to us all. Really.

26. You and all your personnel should be surprised when people are not comforted by said pamphlets.

27. Having spent the past year stopping the Daily Prophet from publishing anything that may imply the presence of one Dark Lord, you should continue to be nonplussed by the fact that recent articles in the very same Daily Prophet which detail what a bang-up job you are all doing, are doing nothing to ease the public's mood.

28. The fact that certain types of coral could've told you that Lucius Malfoy was a Death Eater should in no way detract from how surprised you all are that he was caught associating with them and participating in illegal activities.

29. Despite the fact that they allowed eleven dangerous convicts to waltz out the front door, you should be exceedingly surprised when the Dementors turn out to be unreliable.

30. All Ministry employees must pretend to know what the symbols on the ceiling in the Atrium mean.

31. All Ministry employees must also pretend that the Fountain of the Magical Brethren is not a crock, and that somewhere out there, there is a self-respecting Centaur or Goblin who would actually act like a love sick puppy towards some smarmy git and that vapid wench on his arm. This is in no way nonsensical, of course.

32. Fifteen year old performing magic in front of a squib and a muggle who already knows about magic, should be tried by a full court even without justifiable reason. No one should question THIS either.

33. Just generally don't question anything in fact.

34. Nepotism is your friend… Or at least it is if you come from an old Wizarding family and have truckloads of gold, ready and willing to be donated at the drop of a hat. Otherwise you're pretty much doomed.

35. Losing a quill while on the job is utterly reproachable.

36. Losing Bertha Jorkins however…

37. Should a well-respected Ministry official's son turn out to be a Death Eater, be 'horrified' and 'aghast' at the entire affair. The fact that the man in question is astoundingly overzealous and spends all day, every day, away from his home, ruthlessly hunting down law-breakers should in no way be an indication of a slightly malfunctioning home-life, nor a less than empathic nature. If the Ministry official in question is also more than willing to throw his only son into Azkaban and throw away the key, AND ceaselessly subject his only son to an Unforgivable curse, says nothing about the sort of genes getting passed down in _that_ family.

38. If you hire a former Quidditch player and obsessive gambler as the head of the Department of Games and Sports, and put him in charge of the Quidditch World cup AND Triwizard Tournament you should be shocked and astounded when he (you guessed it) _gambles_. Quite the curveball that one, I'm sure.

39. Have an actual profession called "Unspeakable". This won't make anyone curious at all.

40. People who jump to conclusions are not respected at the Ministry of Magic. People who take a flying leap to conclusions, however, will rise swiftly through the ranks.

41. As a rule, you may only hire spokespersons who are less reassuring than a chain-link fence round a den of rabid coyotes. If you come across a spokesperson who is capable of offering actual comfort to the enquiring masses, terminate them immediately.

42. There have not been enough innuendo-laced statements about the employees of the "Beast Division" written on the bathroom walls, and there never will be.

43. "Muggle-lovers" won't get far in the Ministry, lets make that clear. Bigoted idiots, if they are subtle about their prejudice, will get as far as they like. Overtly sectarian or parochial individuals well be given menial jobs, such as Executioner in the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures (not that this is a pointed comment or anything).

44. Handing out an Order of Merlin may seem a daunting task, but fear not as they may be passed around fairly indiscriminately. For example, you may give an Order of Merlin First Class as a token of your gratitude after a large donation has been made to the Ministry. You may give an Order of Merlin Third Class to any smarmy git with a lot of hair gel who claims to have performed remarkable tasks (and then written books about them, of course). And last but not least, you may freely give out an Order of Merlin when some moron goes on a suicide mission instead of leaving it the professionals.

This last one isn't such a disregard of talent as it may seem, since the Wizard in question faked his own death, blew up a street, got his "best friend" locked up and fooled you all for hitting on thirteen years, but one would assume you are not actively rewarding this behaviour and so bestowed the medal in the belief that it was just the suicide mission thing.

45. No Minister for Magic may look unremarkable. Looking like a lion counts as remarkable, so fear not. If approaching blandness in their appearance, a Minister for Magic may compensate by wearing a lurid green hat.

46. If you have an employee whom everyone detests and fantasises about throttling, you should have no qualms about sending her to a school with a spiffy new title and giving her free reign.

47. When that employee is attacked by centaurs, and run off the premises by an angry mob (and a poltergeist with a walking stick) do not ask any questions before taking her back.

48. If that employee is also known to have set Dementors after a teenage boy and his muggle cousin, and is known to have tortured several teens in her 'detention' sessions, the ALL THE BETTER!

49. One more reminder for visitors to wear their nametag at all times, and for no Ministry of Magic personnel to ask questions.

50. Do all this for ten hours a day, every day until retirement and try to make sure your head doesn't explode in the mean time.


	17. 10 Golden Rules for Pureblood Parents

**Note:** Alas, only a short one tonight since I've spent most of the day (and probably night if the idiot on Line One is anything to go by) arguing with Hotels. Which reminds me, I won't be here from Friday morning through till Monday/Tuesday, I'll be in Edinburgh. Where I fully expect JK Rowling to hunt me down for my autograph… Okay maybe not. But hey. The good news, or bad news depending on your perspective, is that I get impatient while travelling and will probably have about 700 of these written out when I get back.

**Other note:** _Yes_ I am actively arguing with my Hotel while posting fanfic. Look I get bored easy and they're piping a poor imitation of Mozart's requiem through, while they keep me on hold so I can talk with a perky happy person called Claudia who is -quite clearly- hooked up to a Morphine Drip. So what would you do in my position? Uh-huh. Thought so.

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**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR PUREBLOOD PARENTS**

1. When naming your child try to be obscure. Remember that your child's name will stay with him for the rest of his life and so, if you want him to be a snotty git you should name him accordingly. Same goes for a child likely to be bitten by a werewolf.

2. Make use of assonance.

3. For no real reason other than to put undue pressure on your child and uphold your imbecilic notions of what makes a good heir, you should make it clear from birth which house you want your child to be sorted into. Disregard their personality while doing this.

4. If your child has reached the age of eight and is still unable to perform great feats of magic, then child endangerment is perfectly acceptable. This extends, but is not limited, to dangling children out an upstairs window by their ankles, pushing them off piers, attacking them with foam bats and allowing gangs of large children with no necks to chase them onto a roof. You are doing this for their own good.

5. If you are part of an illegal terrorist group dedicated to the service of an albino, geriatric moron with a snake fetish, you should automatically assume that your child will be ready, willing and eager to do the same. Even if this would mean prostrating themselves almost constantly and acquiring a truly heinous tattoo placed on their person.

6. Be surprised when they tell you to stuff it.

7. If you have a son and his father is vaguely intelligent, give him a classical education. If his father is incapable of doing anything but grunt in agreement with his superiors, teach your son the basic principles of writing, reading and the four times table and then give up. They won't be getting smarter anytime soon.

8. If you have a daughter you may educate her to the point where she's capable of graduating from Oxford at the age of ten. It won't matter. If you've convinced her that her only purpose in life is to marry a Pureblood and have lots of little Purebloods to, quote unquote, "Carry on the family name", then she will be a simpering fool no matter what her exam results may say.

9. As a Pureblood parent, you and your spouse must possess the same hair colour. This even holds true for "blood traitors". If you are not intending to produce offspring with your partner, then hair colour becomes irrelevant.

10. If your blood is as pure as the driven snow, and your spouse has a Wizarding line dating back to Charlemagne, and one of you is bitten by a werewolf then your child will be considered a halfblood. No one is clear on the logic behind this, but hell logic has never really been our strong point in Wizarding society anyway. Just go with it.


	18. 24 Rules for Mugglelovers and haters

Lookit. Got another one up before I left. Yay me. Oh and this one brings me to the round number of three-hundred rules (so far). Yay me again.

For **Miss, Mrs or Mr Wuff**. (What this really means is that I liked the idea and blatantly plagiarised it. Oh and the first idea for muggle-lovers wasn't mine, it was **Miss, Mrs or Mr Wuff's**.)

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**12 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE-LOVERS**

1. Despite Electricity quite possibly being the single most important thing in the Modern Muggle World and despite the fact that you are a self-professed "Expert", you should remain completely and totally unable to pronounce the word even after years of study. You should see nothing wrong with this.

2. Rather than gaining a basic understanding of day-to-day Muggle life and technology, you should collect plugs. Whilst leaving you totally incapable of interacting with Muggles on any normal level, this will greatly increase your knowledge of the completely useless.

3. Even though you claim to be a Muggle Lover and would, one presumes, like to educate your children to be the same, you should ensure that neither you or any of your children have contact with one of your relatives because he is an accountant. This disregard of your own flesh and blood in the name of magic -or lack thereof- promotes harmony and understanding between the two cultures.

4. Muggles would be horrified and panic-stricken by a regurgitating toilet, should they come across one. On the flip side of the coin, a flying car wouldn't so much as put a hitch in their stride.

5. Become sanctimonious should you come across a fellow witch or wizard who does not share your enthusiasm for non-magical folk. Feel secure in the knowledge that you are more politically correct.

6. That said, when you come across a Muggle you should not treat them as your equal. You should treat them like a zoo-exhibit and question them on each and every detail of their daily lives. When they ask questions back, you should candidly inform them that the International Code of Wizarding Secrecy forbids it. Be surprised if they get at all upset with this explanation after four hours of answering your questions to the best of their ability.

7. Even though you would have to understand foreign money should you ever travel abroad, and even though you will probably do this with ease at least once in your lifetime, you should remain completely unable to handle muggle money. The fact that the explanation for their value is printed right there on the coin or note, is entirely irrelevant. Once again, you are an "Expert" on Muggle society.

8. Should you live just outside a Muggle village, never enter it no matter how easy it would be to embrace your hobby there.

9. Similarly, if you have an ungodly amount of children, you should still home-educate them rather than sending them to the Muggle school in aforementioned village. Any suggestion that this course of action would give your children a better understanding of muggle life, or that it would ease the pressure on the mother of your children is entirely unfounded.

10. Complain daily, weekly, annually, about the bigotry and prejudice displayed in Wizarding culture against Muggles and inform us all about how much more kind and understanding Muggles are. Little things like WW2, Apartheid, slavery, the KKK, Anti-Semitism, Misogyny, etc; should be cheerfully ignored.

11. Despite the fact that Muggles invented the internal combustion engine and all we did was add a few 'extras' to this machine, you should delight in how "Adorably primitive" Muggle culture is. This delight should translate into telling anyone and everyone you come across, all about the _Fascinating_ little titbits of knowledge you've accumulated over the years. Whether they want to hear it or not.

12. Having said that, go _fascinate_ someone else.

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**12 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE-HATERS**

1. Should you come across a Muggle-Lover (outlined above), scoff disdainfully. Do so upon the initial meeting and whenever "Muggle-Loving" behaviour arises.

2. Flat out deny any possibility that an AK-47 could kill you, even though it quite clearly could.

3. Also deny Muggle ingenuity. After all, the mere ability to live without magic does not make them more inventive than you, even if you would be completely and totally unable to do so yourself. Similarly, the fact that your entire world is completely dependant upon a small wooden stick, should in no way prevent you from scoffing over Muggle's and their dependency upon machinery.

4. Constantly remind everyone that you'll live longer than Muggles. This automatically proves your superiority. Which is of course why the Giant Turtle is the dominant species on Earth… right. Yeah.

5. Comment about how Muggles don't even have a reliable method of predicting the future. The fact that we don't either is neither here nor there. The fact that the few genuine prophecies we do have, all cause more harm than good is also irrelevant.

6. Try to teach your children to think like you. In fact try to teach everyone you come across to think like you. Do so with long, in-depth lectures on your natural superiority and Muggle idiocy. These lectures may take up to eighteen hours at a time, so you may wish to bring water. Should your target convert interrupt you with such petty trivialities as logic, curse them. Badly.

7. The fact that your magical upbringing has left you utterly unaware of such simple concepts as "gravity", and that while you learned Latin at the age of seven you still can't do long multiplication at forty, shouldn't stop you from thinking Muggles are the foolish ones. You should share your feelings on their obtuseness whenever the window of opportunity presents itself.

8. Complain that Muggles can only cook by hand. Then refuse to eat any conjured food and only eat that which has been prepared by House Elves in the Muggle way. Complain that conjured food is lacking 'love'.

9. Refuse to see how this casts any negative light on you, your spell work, your lifestyle or magic as a whole. Also neglect to question whether an enslaved species is really making your food with 'love' or rather making it with 'hate'. After all, Fine Line and all that.

10. Compare muggles to cockroaches in New York. Even if your British and have never been to New York, everyone gets the reference. Thanks largely to Muggle media, but lets not dwell on that particular aspect of your argument, shall we?

11. Repeatedly wave the Daily Prophet around and talk about how "Muggles are messing up our society with their mechanical rubbish!" Fail to see the irony in doing so while holding a publication made with a printing press.

12. Stubbornly insist upon making Muggle-Hunting legal. Some day, in the not-too-distant future, your ridiculous little opinion will be noted.


	19. 50 Golden Rules on 'Daily Necessities'

Hi Honey! I'm home! Did you all miss me?  
…  
…  
_Well_…?  
…  
-cricket chirps in distance-

Hmmf. Well fine. But I missed you. (And how disturbing is that, I ask you?)

* * *

**50 GOLDEN RULES FOR 'DAILY NECESSITIES'**

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR RESTROOM USERS**

1. When visiting a bathroom, do not look in the mirrors. Restroom mirrors have a fiendishly deleterious subterfuge, whereby any person looking into it's grubby depths will see the least flattering image of oneself since The Portrait of Dorian Gray. It doesn't matter if you were the single most lusted-after individual on the face of the Earth, you will not escape the Curse of the Restroom Mirror without a serious knock to your ego. This will result in you slinking out of there feeling like Quasimodo and attempting to disappear into walls. So don't look.

2. When using a restroom which is not solely frequented by Prefects (or the charming and sophisticated individuals who have managed to con Prefects into giving them the password), you may not make eye contact with _anyone_. This rule, of course, does not apply to girls who are only in the bathroom to gossip in the first place.

3. Should the ghost of a whiny bint who was killed by a Basilisk fifty-odd years ago, happen to pop up while you are actively er… 'making use of the facilities', she will stare at you. She will do so more-or-less In Perpetuum. There is nothing you can do to stop this. If you are male and have offended her in the past, she will occasionally lean over your shoulder and make remarks. No amount of help from your House Ghost will stop her. Get over it.

4. While most restrooms in this school have towels to dry your hands on, those located in the dungeons do not. The reasoning behind this is simple: The dungeons are damp and the House Elves got sick of trying to cover up the 'Wet Towel Smell'. Instead, the dungeon bathrooms have 'Magi-dryers'. These diabolical torture devices are the main reason that Dungeon Dwellers travel above ground to use the conveniences. This is because Magi-dryers are about as effective at drying your hands as a 'Keep off the Grass' sign is at deterring barbarian hoards.

5. If male and in desperate need to relieve thyself, you should attempt to secure a private cubicle. This will never work however, and you will be reduced to participating in the joyous, illuminative, spirit-boosting act of Communal Urination.

6. Just so you know, no matter where or when you engage in the activity outlined in number five, you will be stuck standing next to a large, intimidating Quidditch-player with no neck and a personal grudge against you that stems back to the cradle.

7. Despite the fact that toilet paper supplies are (allegedly) charmed to restock themselves, you will never be able to find any. You are more likely to find a solid gold Dreidel your average bathroom cubicle than you are toilet paper. The canny student will take this as a sign to go to the library lickety-split and learn how to conjure some up. However, since canny students are even _less_ common than toilet paper, you'll probably just end up waiting in there until three AM and shuffling awkwardly from stall to stall with the fervent hope that no one will enter the room. Which of course they will. Which is your own bloody fault because you were an idiot. But I digress.

8. Peeves has, through some method known only to himself, found a way of contaminating the plumbing with certain… less-than-desirable agents. It is recommended that you do not mention this outside of that room as you will only encourage him. Since we don't think he can actually read, the author of this list feels safe in publishing this piece of advice here.

9. If female, you must attend the lavatory in pairs. No one's quite clear on the reasons why you are incapable of going to the bathroom without a support group, but we trust your judgement.

10. It is suggested that you learn a locking charm or two, as there isn't a single cubicle lock in this entire school that is still in working order. Then again it's also been suggested that you learn how to conjure toilet paper, and just look at how much attention you all paid to that.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR BREAKFAST**

1. As a resident of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry you will be offered a truly gob-smacking array of breakfast foods. (Curiously enough, cereal doesn't seem to be there on a daily basis but it is available on request.) However fully cooked meals will be provided in a dazzling variety of options. Vegetarians, however, will be resigned to eating porridge or toast. The rest of us would appreciate it if they would complain QUIETLY about this fact.

2. On a normal day, nothing of extreme interest will happen at breakfast. On an unusual day, when something of interest does happen, it will almost certainly happen at the Gryffindor table. Draco Malfoy may or may not be involved, but if he is then the Interesting Thing in question will shortly be followed by a 'group huddle' at the Slytherin table. Whether this huddle is followed by little pats on the behind is not yet known, although if certain _other_ bathroom wall limericks are anything to go by… well you can fill in the blanks yourself there.

3. Should your Head of House appear at your breakfast table without timetables in their hands, then something terrible has just happened. Or, alternatively, they're about to give you the deep, dark secret of one of their colleagues. Either way, pay attention. If nothing else, it might get you out of History of Magic.

4. If there's a Quidditch match that day, you are not permitted to discuss anything except said Quidditch match and it's effect on the rest of the season at breakfast. If you do, it has to be of life or death importance lest you be turned on and devoured by your House Mates.

5. If you don't get any interesting mail, you should take out a subscription to the Daily Prophet and any other publications you see fit. People will flock to you and discuss them with you.

6. If you have taken out a subscription to the Daily Prophet or any other publications for your own personal enjoyment rather than because your morning post was boring, be warned: People will flock to you and discuss them with you, _whether you want them to or not_.

7. On your first day of term you will be handed your timetable, by your Head of House at the breakfast table. It is generally recommended that, on this morning, you eat your favourite breakfast and savour it to the best of your ability. Now classes have started, things are only going to go downhill. And the fact is that, through some twisting of the time-space-continuum, everyone will have History of Magic and a double period of their least favourite subject on that day. If we also have a grossly sub-par Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher this year, you'll probably be subjected to that too.

8. Howlers will inevitably arrive on mornings where you are operating on nothing more than two hours of sleep and a few bad cups of coffee. They will arrive for the person sitting immediately next to you and they will be sounded out in the most shrill, irritating, nerve-grating voice imaginable. During such instances (which will occur with more frequency, the closer to exams you get), it is recommended that you grab two hot-cross buns and slam one over each ear in an attempt to block out the sound. If female, it also allows for comparisons to certain Star Wars Characters for about a week, but it's a fair price to pay to keep your skull intact.

9. If you find yourself in the throws of emotional turmoil, and you're not the type of person to wail about it on a normal day, then you will communicate your state of discomposure by either flat out refusing to eat your breakfast or just picking at your food. Should your friends be especially dense you will be forced to do this for several days in a row. If you could stand to lose a few pounds, this is a good thing. Otherwise, you may want to bring some snacks and eat them in the corridors when no one is looking.

10. There will be pancakes available for breakfast every single day of the year. Except Shrove Tuesday, and any day you wake up with a craving for them.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR OTHER MEALS**

1. Water is not provided. Pumpkin Juice is. Do not question this.

2. We, as British Students, eat British food. British cuisine is not widely known for it's rice, pasta, fresh fruit and salad and so, should you begin to crave any of these things, tough. The only way you're going to get them is if you start threatening the kitchen staff and that is generally frowned upon.

3. When the delegates from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang complain about this, throw carrots at them. Just because they like eating food that doesn't weigh more than a loaded cargo ship, doesn't mean that they can cast aspersions on our Ground-Up-Animal-Organ Pastries.

4. High Cholesterol, Diabetes, Vitamin Deficiency, etc, etc, are perils known only to muggles and their ilk. You, as a witch or wizard, may eat whatever you please and not worry about the consequences. This is also the reason there are so few obese wizards and also why Hogwarts students are spared the torture of 'Atkins' Approved Menus' and 'Calorie Counters' which plague the Muggle World like locusts. Be thankful.

5. If a teacher, any teacher, if absent from their table during mealtimes then you may take it as an omen.

6. If you are forced to sit next to a ghost at dinner, it's polite not to stare. It is also polite not to question them on their death, their life or any aspect of their Solid-Selves. Then again, it's polite not to talk with your mouth full and yet that's a common enough sight, isn't it?

7. You, as a student, are not permitted to approach the Teacher's Table for any reason during meals unless failure to do so would result in loss of your, or someone else's, life. Loss of limbs does not count as an Approach-worthy cause. You see mealtimes is when the teachers "discuss" (read: Point and Laugh at) Students.

8. Having Pizza, Chinese take-out, Sushi, Indian food, donuts or Fresh-baked subs delivered to the Great Hall is unacceptable behaviour. If you want any of these things, put a request into the House Elves. And no, we don't care if Ming's DOES make a better Chicken Chow Mien.

9. In certain emergency situations you and your Classmates will be forced to sleep on the floor of the Great Hall in large purple sleeping bags. The fact that this may occur before the Great Hall has been cleaned is a good enough reason not to throw food on the floor for kicks and giggles. The fact that someone who gets caught sleeping next to your left-over Steak and Kidney Pie is well within their rights to hunt you down and kill you is simply the icing on the cake. The fact that even toddlers are mature enough to see the fact that throwing food on the floor is completely and utterly pointless, is neither here nor there.

10. Please feel perfectly comfortable sharing your stories about bodily functions or particularly gruesome trips to the Hospital Wing while sitting eating dinner. No one minds, really.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES ABOUT CLOTHING**

1. Certain vicious rumours have been circling around the school that ties should be worn around the neck and tied in the standard manner. I am here to disavow you of these rumours. Ties may be worn in any of the following ways: Around your arm, around your waist, as a bow tie (tricky if you don't know the correct tying method), in your hair, as a bracelet, as a scarf, or - -if feeling especially daring and female- - in the place of your school shirt. These ridiculous methods of 'rebelling' are in no way mock-worthy. Failure to wear a tie in some way will result in detention. You have been warned.

2. If your post-pubescent, female and neglect to leave at least the top three buttons of your shirt undone you will be treated as a prude. For the first three years this will result in you be ostracised. After that, when all the males have gotten sick of ogling the easy chicks, this will result in a veritable tidal wave of guys trying to 'loosen you up' and make you 'relax'. If you want to be loosened up, then fine. If you don't, learn some basic self-defence and one or two seriously unpleasant curses. Teenage boys do not honestly believe a girl when they say they aren't interested in dating them, nor do they honestly believe that a girl who buttons her shirt all the way is doing so of their own free will. The phrase "Playing Hard to Get" will become more or less standard for you.

3. Do not wear a multitude of bracelets, bangles, or whatever the hell those jangling anathema are called. They are hideous and infuriating and they make you look like a moron. Same goes for comically oversized earrings. Outside of school, or at least outside of class, you may wear them. But inside the classroom they make the rest of the world's blood boil and are akin to having a large Bull's Eye on your forehead. Leave the damned things at home.

4. While it is generally accepted that footwear is basically the only arena in which one may show their personality while wearing a school uniform, it has recently been announced that if one more idiot comes in wearing Pink Go-Go Boots or football trainers then Filch gets to torture them. Personally, I see the logic.

5. Anyone who insists upon dying their hair funny colours (Green, Pink, Blue, etc) will suffer the consequences without complaint. You may not dye your hair blue and then act surprised when you receive Marge Simpson jokes.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE**

1. There's really no polite way to say this, however it has to be said: BATHE! Take a damned shower! Even a quick cleansing charm, something. You have free access to superior indoor plumbing and an immeasurable panoply of soap, shower gels, shampoos, and so forth. You have absolutely no excuse not to be clean. So when you wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom and take a shower. Use whichever cleansing substance appeases your palate the most and scrub yourself down with it. Continue doing so for about half an hour, rinse, dry yourself and then go about your business. There is absolutely no excuse. If the Weasleys can afford to smell fresh as a daisy, then so can you. Do it, or perish.

2. When you have removed the filth of this world from your person and scoured away any trace of foul-smelling excretions, you are entitled to apply whatever fragrance you deem fit to your body. You are _not_ entitled to marinate in it. No one likes being subjected to your perfume or aftershave or _whatever_ from a distance of 100 yards. Have some consideration.

3. Brush your teeth. Twice daily. Do so thoroughly. Failure to comply is unacceptable. If feeling especially dedicated, do so more than twice daily and floss too.

4. Upon completion of any bathroom visit or any participation in Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Herbology, or occasionally every other class, wash your hands. With soap. And possibly a scrubbing brush. Make-up, hair products, skin care, potions ingredients, mud, dirt, your pets faecal matter… all of this ends up in contact with your hands. Get rid of it.

5. Wear clean clothes. _Clean_. In order to get clean clothes you must take your dirty clothes, place them in the laundry basket at the foot of your bed and wait a maximum of two hours. Then you will have clean clothes that smell of nothing but fresh, cleanliness. This is all you need to do, and yet so many of you seem unable to do it. Clean clothing. That's all I ask.

(Honestly it's like living in a bloody barn…)

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR INTERACTION WITH OTHERS**

1. There's this thing called 'queuing'. It's a fairly simple concept. You organise yourselves into a line, with the people at the front of the line doing -whatever- first and then the people behind taking turns to do it also. That said, no one minds when you jump the queue. It honestly doesn't bother anyone. This is especially true after they've been waiting in line for four hours and you just walk in and meander to the front without a second glance at anyone. Honestly, no one notices.

2. Feel free to chew with your mouth full, spraying everyone in the near vicinity with the contents of your mouth. You may also slurp drinks and chew audibly. This is in no way nauseating.

3. You may arbitrarily use any depraved perversion of the English language that your whim dictates, and then act superior because other people can't understand you. Kindly forget the fact that most people in this country speak English. They do not speak Aberdonian, they do not speak Scouse, they do not speak Cockney and they sure as hell don't speak Welsh. This makes them all inferior. The fact that they can communicate with most of the developed world, rather than just the Welsh, is irrelevant. The fact that Welsh itself is a language which is, lets face it, about as much use as a chocolate fireguard is also not worth mentioning.

4. Laughing at your own jokes genuinely convinces people that they're funny. Even if you're the only one laughing.

5. Do not exert yourself so far as to say something like "Excuse me" when you're shoving past someone in a hallway. If you are not purposefully colliding with people then you should also refrain from such pointless sentences as "I'm sorry, are you all right?" This holds particularly true when there is a chance you have fractured a bone or two of theirs.

6. When asking a perfect stranger to hand you something, do not say "Pardon me. Could you possibly hand me that please?" Instead, waspishly snap "Hand me that! Now!" Like you're Queen Victoria with PMS or something.

7. A simple warning: Certain people (strange, confused, traumatised people) do not approve of being hugged by complete strangers. These people do not understand that you hugging them could be part of your religion, the result of a psychological disorder or simply a cultural quirk which you have come to see as normal. Not only do they not understand, they also don't care. They request that you do not hug them unless part of their immediate family or their boyfriend/girlfriend of more than three months, or you are attempting to fend off hypothermia. These people rarely have much more friendly feelings about Air Kisses, and they reserve the right to kill you if you hug them.

8. Sixty centimetres is generally considered to be the accepted minimal distance between human beings while engaging in normal conversation. It's generally expected that you stay MORE than sixty centimetres away from any associates while talking to them however. If you are within the aforementioned distance of a person's face while talking to them, they will be forced to assume that you are either hostile or horny. Either way, it will probably result in you getting hit.

9. Staring at people is socially acceptable. Honest. No one minds.

10. When approaching someone's personal space (bedroom, dorm room, bed, preferred bathroom, nuclear bomb shelter, whatever) it is customary to knock, wait for the person's assent and _then_ enter. This is not done because the person in question is performing illegal or immoral acts behind closed doors. Rather it is done because most people like the security of knowing that they COULD perform illegal and immoral acts behind closed doors. You should respect that.

**

* * *

**

**Just so you know:** I'm Scottish and so me insulting anyone's cuisine is fairly laughable. Additionally, I'm female and so my references to male bathrooms are pure speculation. Mainly because the nice men at Train Station looked at me funny when I tried to interview them on their Restroom Experience…


	20. 10 Golden Rules for the Hogwarts Express

This was written about five minutes after having escaped a commuter train during rush hour in Edinburgh. It was also written in Starbucks (which I usually avoid, but come on I needed coffee) where, upon entering, I had to practically chew my own arm off and learn freaking Italian just to figure out how to order a Large Latte made with _actual_ milk. As such, I cannot be held accountable for it's sour tone. Nor the severely wounded "Barista" now writhing around in agony inside Starbucks.

I mean, seriously, what the heck does "Venti" mean anyway? It sounds like a Nazi salute. "Sieg Heil! VENTI! Deutschland über alles in der Welt!" Honestly, who comes up with this stuff? Tsk.

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS**

1. The fact that just about anyone can (and frequently does) stroll into your compartment with ease, should not discourage you from having deeply personal conversations on the train. And if these conversations involve illegal activity, deep dark secrets or your bodily functions then it should in no way prevent you from speaking loud enough for people in other compartments to hear you.

2. When getting on and off the train, you should feel perfectly within your rights to shove, kick, swear at and jam your elbows into anyone else who is trying to get on. This even includes the nice fourteen-year-old girl in the wheelchair and the blind gentleman who was attempting to get on. Any suggestion that the train won't be leaving for another fifteen minutes anyway and so therefore waiting is acceptable, is entirely unfounded. Such suggestions are only put forth by those who wish to bring about your downfall.

3. If you have just been reunited with your sweetheart after an achingly interminable separation of two months (where your constant, never-ending, nauseating letters to one another can't begin to fill the void you feel), then you are _not_ within your rights to subject the rest of us to your vile and lewd reunion of tongues. No flashes of drool, no slurping sounds, no roving of hands, no pet names, no nothing. I have seen and heard quite enough, thank you. And besides, there are _children_ on the train; think of their psychiatric bills next time you feel the pangs of young love. Save it for the broom closet like everyone else.

4. When travelling to Hogwarts you will be carrying a large trunk with you. This trunk will hold everything you need to tide you over for a whole year, and so it is understandably large. When you get on the train it should therefore be placed in the most out of the way location you can find inside your compartment. Please Note: Inside your compartment. Not outside in the hallway, not placed with one half inside the compartment and the other half hanging out: _Inside_. Chances are I will have to go and find someone in another compartment to give them something, say something to them or assure myself that they have not been horribly murdered over the summer (particularly true if you are friends with anyone in Gryffindor these days); When doing so I do not want to have to clamber over a veritable assault course of your belongings, just because you are too lazy and inconsiderate to put the damned things in the allotted areas.

5. If you have actually managed to pull yourself together long enough to get the bloody trunk inside your compartment, you are not entitled to leave it in the middle of the floor. Nor should you give it a seat (usually two) of it's very own for the entire journey, particularly on a train where seating is at a definite premium. Also, and let me be completely clear here, while your trunk is supposed to go into the overhead compartments it is not supposed to be balanced precariously on the edge of them. Neither you, nor anyone else, should be able to play a game of "I Wonder Which Corner Will Send It Flying" with your trunk. People are sitting underneath these things, and it's not as amusing as you'd expect when they fall down and crack someone's skull open. (Okay, it WAS slightly amusing when it happened to Cedric Diggory. But that's not the point.)

6. At least half of the students travelling to Hogwarts will be taking Owls. As in, the Nocturnal Bird of Prey, not the exam. These Owls are not to be released on the train. They are not to be left to their own devices in the middle of the train. They are not to have their cages cleaned out halfway through the train journey. They are not to be fed large meals just before getting on the train and they are not to be given laxatives in the two weeks leading up to getting on the train. They are not to be conversed with on the train, they are not to be poked at on the train, they are not to be appraised like antiques on the train.

7. Frankly, you'd be better off just letting it out of it's cage the previous day and telling it to meet you at Hogwarts. But that makes far too much sense for you all now, doesn't it?

8. If female and being reunited with your friends after the holidays, do not -I repeat- DO NOT squeal. You know, that high-pitched abomination that bubbles forth from hyperactive teenage girls lips as they run up to each other, hugging and air-kissing as they make movements with their hands that suggest they've been highly over-medicated and will explode at any moment. The noise which rivals nails on a blackboard for sheer spine-shivering irritation. The noise which makes dogs howl, babies cry and glass shatter. The noise which has driven more than one sane man to drive a pickaxe into the skull of everyone he comes across because he believes there can be no good in a world while _that noise_ continues to exist. For the love of God girls, STOP IT!

9. If male and not greeting a rap star, don't do that high-five, fist-bumping, ghetto-greeting thing. It makes you look like a prat.

10. When the woman with the trolley comes round, you are not permitted to buy all the chocolate frogs. If you do, the other occupants of the train are within their legal rights to kill you where you stand… and then take your frogs, divide them equally among themselves and live Happily Ever After.


	21. 30 Golden Rules for Criminals

**Author's Note:** I come back from Edinburgh. The next day, my computer decides to crash. (I'm not annoyed, I'm not annoyed, I'm not annoyed, I'm not… Aww screw it: Fetch me the head of Bill Gates on a platter!)  
Oh, I've started a companion piece to this which will detail the reactions of Hogwarts students and teachers to these lists, as per an inspired request I received from someone a lot smarter than me (Goes by the name "Pfft"). Don't expect it to be up instantaneously though.  
And last but not least: To those of you who asked, yes I did happen to interview one or two… or three or four, complete strangers on their bathroom experience. I find that if you smile a lot and crack jokes then they're less likely to have you arrested…

* * *

**30 GOLDEN RULES FOR CRIMINALS**

-

**5 FIVE GOLDEN RULES FOR AZKABAN ESCAPEES**

1. Be intelligent and resourceful enough to feed yourself, hide yourself, ally yourself with impossibly intelligent cats and lure anyone and everyone into the arena of your choice for a confrontation. Don't be intelligent enough to get a hold of some clean robes and give yourself a haircut, thereby making it less likely for you to be recognised. Just to reiterate: Communication with a genius cat, that just so happens to have a close personal relationship with your quarry, is acceptable. Nicking a pair of jeans off someone's washing line is just ridiculous.

2. When you're wandering around on your lonesome, you may make yourself unrecognisable. When you turn up in a heavily populated castle with hardly any exits and about thirteen hundred witnesses, you should ensure you look exactly like your mug shot.

3. SPEAKING OF YOUR MUG SHOT: If you get taken to Azkaban you should do something amusing when they take your picture. On the off chance that you will escape and have your poster printed everywhere, you want to look interesting. Constantly screaming is an especially good plan and it will in no way grate on a person's nerves after a whole year of seeing the damned picture everywhere.

4. Before skipping merrily out of Azkaban, be sure to talk in your sleep a lot while Ministry officials are present, thereby giving your entire game-plan away. (That right there should've told them you were innocent, really. After all, there's no way you could be that good a criminal being so sensationally moronic.)

5. Even though you were quite clearly fed in Azkaban and (let's face it) weren't doing a whole lot to work off the calories, you should still come out of there looking like an insomniac famine victim.

-

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ILLEGAL ANIMAGI**

1. If you wear glasses (or monocles I suppose) they will be reflected in your markings when you become whatever animal it is you become, so make them noteworthy enough to be spotted eight light years away. Curiously enough, neither your hair colour, eye colour nor clothing need necessarily transfer to your animal form so if you're transforming illegally and don't want to be immediately recognisable, it's recommended that you invest in some contact lenses.

2. If learning to transform with a group of your friends and one of them turns into a rat, you should in no way take this as an indication of character. Be shocked and stunned when he turns out to be a treacherous little recreant.

3. If your identity as an illegal Animagus is not known in the general Wizarding world, you should have your friends refer to you by a nickname which directly relates to your Animagus form and has no other logical reasoning behind it. No one will become suspicious.

4. If you utilise your (illegal) talent in your day-to-day occupation, to the point where there is no logical way for you to be capable of doing your job unless you are an Animagus, you shouldn't hesitate to move around with flagrant audacity while simultaneously making as many enemies as possible. After all, there is no possible way this course of action could come back to haunt you, is there?

5. If fleeing the followers of a certain Dark Lord and your Animagus form is cute and cuddly, you should feel free to become a pet in a Wizarding family. Hopping a ship to Fiji, assuming a different name and having a neighbour take out a Daily Prophet subscription wouldn't be easier at all.

-

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MEMBERS OF SECRET DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLUBS**

1. Base your method of communication on that used by your sworn enemy. See nothing ironic about this.

2. Include second years in your little club. Despite the fact that they should not, technically, have been allowed to attend the original meeting seeing as how they weren't old enough to go to Hogsmeade. Similarly, ignore the fact that the chances of them actually being able to throw out some of the spells you're using as so slim they're barely worth mentioning.

3. See nothing immoral about horribly jinxing a contract without the signer's consent, but become outraged at the slightest moral indiscretion of each and every one of your peers.

4. Be outraged when a member of your group, who didn't want to be there in the first place and has a Ministry Puppet as a mother, turns on you. This is really a shocking development, after all.

5. Even though you have (allegedly) been training in Defence Against the Dark Arts all year, even throwing out spells that some of the most advanced wizards of the age have trouble with, you should be completely unable to deflect a standard tripping jinx.

6. Despite heading an illegal DADA club, which could get you expelled should you be found out, you should in no way attempt to seem inconspicuous in your day-to-day interactions with those who'd be more than willing to lock you up and throw away the key. Indeed, your every exchange should be impertinent, bordering on downright contemptuous. If that doesn't throw them off the scent, nothing will.

7. Other than the leader's immediate friends and any siblings of those friends, all members of aforementioned club should be idiots.

8. Don't name your club something innocuous or innocent like… "Baby-Eating Nazis Unanimous". Nope. Instead go for the title that will force your greatest ally to go on the run if it's ever found out by the wrong authorities. This will make you seem big and clever.

9. You may make even the most incompetent of your members confident and competent enough to fight off Dementors and Dark Lords. You may not make them confident enough to stop them squealing in terror whenever a certain Potions Master/Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor enters the room.

10. Slytherins are all evil, and so there will be none of them in your little club. Spineless Ravenclaws are fine though.

-

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DEATH EATERS**

1. There are only two levels of intelligence accepted in Death Eater circles: _Diabolical Genius_ and _Privet Hedge_.

2. Oral Hygiene can be more or less forgotten when you're a Death Eater. Other than the whole 'tattooed arm' thing, yellow teeth and halitosis are how members distinguish each other in large crowds.

3. Despite the fact that the majority of Death Eaters will fall into the 'Privet Hedge' category outlined above, all Death Eaters must be proficient in the basic aspects of the Dark Arts. This includes, but is not limited to; Murder, Magical Torture (Cruciatus Curse, Chinese-Water-Torture Curse, and on rare occasions, diabolical use of Tickling Charms) Non-Magical Torture (Anything your warped brain can come up with really), Scathing Remarks, Sniggering On Cue, Mind-control, Lying, Deceit, Puppy-Kicking and Square-Dancing.

4. Always remember that once you join up to become a death Eater there is no way out. Unless of course the nutcase in charge decides to ice you in a fit of rage… Then you're out for sure.

5. If questioned by the Minister of Magic himself about your allegiance to the Dark Lord, you may employ such Machiavellian trickery as "Heh heh. Of course I'm not. Here, have a large sack full of gold for Saint Mungo's. And how's your wife?" Believe it or not, this will inevitably work.

6. No matter how attractive the victim or bystander in question may be, it is not recommended that you give your name, address or Floo-Network Identification to victims or bystanders while on a mission for the Dark Lord. Evil Advice Columnists have stated that romance is unlikely to prosper after being initiated during kidnapping, rape, torture, assassination or massacring anyway.

7. If you have somehow picked up the filthy muggle habit of 'Cigarette Smoking', be warned that Death Eater Masks are not fireproof. As amusing as the results are for those fortunate enough to witness Death Eaters discover this, the Dark Lords minions are at a serious premium at the moment and so it is recommended that you learn from others mistakes. (That said, if you insist upon sucking on those little cancer sticks in a restaurant you deserve whatever's coming to you.)

8. Fact Number One About The Dark Mark: It will hurt. Frequently. Anyone caught whining about this will have their vocal chords charmed out. Fact Number Two About The Dark Mark: Laser treatment will not remove it. Concealer will not cover it. Just wear long sleeved clothing. (Azkaban handcuffs _will_ cover it but by that point, one would assume that hiding your allegiances would be rather superfluous.)

9. Be completely pureblooded. Do not mention the fact that the Dark Lord himself is a halfblood. Also neglect to mention the fact that it is statistically impossible for all Death Eater members to actually be pureblooded as there are only about three completely pureblood families still in Britain today and your members far outnumber that limited amount. Say nothing.

10. And the most important Rule for Death Eaters: Look Good In Black.


	22. 10 Golden Rules for DP Readers

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DAILY PROPHET READERS**

1. You are _not_ well informed. Stop pretending you are. The fact is that only failed fiction writers go and work for the Daily Prophet; that way they can continue doing what they love and they can also have a good laugh when people believe what they write and call it fact.

2. The crossword is designed to kill time and occupy your mind. It is not designed to be a group activity where you ask the advice of everyone within earshot. If you can't do the puzzle yourself, don't do it at all.

3. Writing angry letters to the Daily Prophet does not make you a political commentator. It doesn't mean that people should ask your opinion on the goings on of the Ministry of Magic and nor does it mean that you are smarter than everyone else. 9 times out of 10, all it means is that you wrote a similar letter to twenty-five other people, but that you had the funniest name.

4. The Daily Prophet does, from time-to-time, print blatant and ridiculous lies. It may do this for a number of reasons, ranging from Governmental pressure, false information, purposeful misleading, or (on occasions) for the hell of it during a slow news week. The sooner you accept this, the more pain you will be spared.

5. That said, not everything the Prophet prints is a load of dung. I have it on good authority, for example, that they almost always get the date right.

6. The fact that the Daily Prophet doesn't have any real, legitimate competition does in no way affect the quality of newspaper that they publish. The fact that the writers have nothing better to do with their time than undermine the sanity of a fifteen year old boy, isn't at all indicative of this fact being questionable.

7. The Daily Prophet Editor is not in the Ministry's pocket. He is not a mindless pawn of the Bureaucracy, put on this Earth for the sole purpose of serving as a string-less puppet in the political arena or as an insensate drone to sway public opinion. The large bag of galleons on his desk with a return address "Minster of Magic" means nothing.

8. The writer's and journalists employed by the Daily Prophet are intelligent individuals, well-versed in national and international affairs effecting the Wizarding World and it's citizens. The fact that you're more likely to read about Myron Wagtail's new romance with a Puddlemere United player than you are a certain Dark Lord's rising or, indeed, any international matter of importance is completely irrelevant.

9. If, by some miracle, something interesting does manage to happen during the day (like, say for example, a flying car is spotted across the country) then it will be written about, printed and sent to you in record time. This allows for emphatic gesturing to prove a point on the aprt of anyone directly involved with the case. The fact that the Daily Prophet is based in London and that, frankly, the owls would've had to have been moving at light speed to get to Scotland that quick, is inconsequential.

10. Rita Skeeter does not have a stupid name, nor are her glasses comical in any way. And even if they are, you're not allowed to say anything.


	23. 70 Golden Rules For Classes

**Author's Thingy:** This update took a while, and the next one may take longer. If you want to know why, check my Profile. If you don't… well… that's fine too. The rules about Arithmancy were based on my Advanced Mathematics course and are supposed to be affectionately disparaging, while the rules on Ancient Runes were based on those who took Latin in my High School. They're just meant to be disparaging because the people who took Latin were irritating.

* * *

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ANCIENT RUNES STUDENTS**

1. Despite being pointless, obsolete and surprisingly widely known, you should feel safe when you write notes in class written in Ancient Runes. The fact that most teachers have a basic understanding of Runes and that it would be just as easy to write it in English and put a basic concealment charm should in no way curb your enthusiasm.

2. Regale us all with tales of how tricky your subject is. If someone has a complaint about how difficult their subject is, act as though they are inferior and idiotic.

3. Consistently act as though your subject of choice has a direct impact on day-to-day life in the real world. Because so many Ministry press-releases are given in Ancient Runes, obviously.

4. Carve rude messages onto tables in Ancient Runes and giggle for a half hour afterwards. Nobody gets irritated with this behaviour and everyone admires your intellect.

5. Have a teacher who is so lacking a personality or physical presence that nobody knows their names and, frankly, couldn't pick them out of a line-up. Continually talk about how wonderful this teacher is. Get their name wrong while doing so.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ASTRONOMY STUDENTS**

1. For reasons best known to yourself, you should think that the Astronomy Tower is a simply corking place to meet up for a little tryst with your beloved after hours. You should forget that they hold classes in the Astronomy Tower every weeknight and that Professor Sinistra can occasionally be found there on Saturday and Sunday night doing research. When you get caught and awarded a detention, you should feel surprised.

2. If you are reasonably advanced in Astronomy and come across someone who was named after a star of any particular kind, you are not permitted to point out how the star in question is pertinent to their lifestyle, personality, occupation or future. Besides, it'll make you feel smug. If, on the other hand, you are not an Astronomy expert and you name your child after a star, constellation, comet, etc, you deserve every consequence you receive. For it shall almost certainly come back to haunt you. If, for example, you call your first born son Perseus and your father locks you both in a box and dumps you into the Atlantic, you have nobody but yourself to blame.

3. Lazy Summer Nights spent lounging outside with telescopes and star-charts are to be savoured. The lovely Professor Sinistra will try to make this time as enjoyable as possible and so the atmosphere will be relaxed and deeply relaxing. Enjoy it while you can however, because it will only last for about two weeks. After that it will become increasingly apparent that you're sitting on a tall tower, with no protection from the wind, looking at stars which as usually obscured by clouds, in the middle of the night when you should be in your nice warm bed. Unfortunately, it will return to being enjoyable right about the time you make your course selections for the following year and so you may never escape the class.

4. You may as well accept the fact that no matter what you do, every Centaur you come across will act superior to you and treat you more or less like pond scum when it comes to matters of Astronomy. Actually, they'll pretty much treat you like pond scum on every count. But particularly on Astronomy.

5. Accept the fact that your teacher, since she's one of the only vaguely attractive female members of staff, will be 'rumoured to be engaged in amorous relations' with just about everybody. Even though there is absolutely no proof to back this up. This includes, but is not limited to, rumoured entanglements with Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, every seventh year male who has to shave, and just about every Ministry official under the age of seventy-five. Be surprised when she gets frustrated with hearing about these baseless lies.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR ARITHMANCY STUDENTS**

1. Be smugly intelligent. All the time. Non-stop smugness is a requirement for passing your Arithmancy Exam after all.

2. Quantify everything. Remain completely unable to stop this behaviour until such times as you collapse from exhaustion.

3. Give interminable speeches about the application of mathematics and Arithmancy on the day to day life of the average person and how a deeper understanding of numbers will reveal secrets in our world that we had never believed possible. Believe every word. Repeat Ad Nauseum. Whether this is your nausea or everyone else's is debatable.

4. Try to ignore the Ancient Runes' lot who tell you that you could never understand a truly taxing subject because you don't take Ancient Runes. Even though you frequently spend twenty-nine hours straight in the library reading enough number charts to make your eyes lose focus and constantly get so used to writing numbers and equations that you actually forget how to write in English for a while, you "could never understand a taxing subject".

5. Subconsciously apply Arithmancy to every single subject you take. Be a little disconcerted when you take out your History notes and discover that they were written in the form of a standard equation.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES**

1. Even though the chances are fairly large that the only creatures you'll ever be taking care of are owls, cats and dogs, learning how to take care of Blast-Ended Skrewts is an entirely productive way of passing the time.

2. Hippogriffs are surprisingly docile creatures providing you treat them properly. Certain cocky gits will fail to do this and be attacked accordingly. You are supposed to be shocked by this, rather than entertained. Also, jokes made to the cocky git in question about Hippogriffs eating dead ferrets will not be tolerated no matter how amusing they are. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE MALFOY!)

3. Creatures like Thestrals and Unicorns are to be treated with awe during class. The fact that most of the class can't see Thestrals and that at least half of the class weren't even allowed near Unicorns is completely inconsequential. Awe, children, awe.

4. Even though you take both Defence Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures, you should continue to fear the possibility of werewolves hiding in the Forbidden Forest even on the night of a New Moon. The fact that werewolves are human beings and so quite probably live in a house, and the fact that they only transform one night out of every lunar cycle AND the fact that when this occurs most of them lock themselves up or go play fetch with a bunch of other werewolves in come lycanthropic cult, shouldn't affect your belief that there are, in fact, werewolves in the Forbidden Forest. All month. Constantly. Really.

5. Seeing as how our teacher is of dubious mental competence and as our Headmaster doesn't seem particularly inclined to prevent him taking dangerous beasts into the school, it is recommended that students wishing to participate in Care of Magical Creatures classes should invest in some protective clothing, some basic healing skills and, quite possibly, a premature drinking habit to calm your nerves.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CHARMS STUDENTS**

1. Midget-tossing is not a socially acceptable hobby in this school.

2. Behave as though people who did not master Wingardium Leviosa in their first lesson are the lowest of the low and not to be given the time of day.

3. Assume that because the teacher is cheerful, jolly looking and reminds you of a mini-Santa Claus that you can do whatever you like in his class. Me amazed when this turns out to be fallacious. Complain bitterly that you didn't realise Unforgivable curses were frowned upon in the Charms classroom because the teacher was just so gosh-darn pleasant.

4. No matter how talented you become at Cheering Charms, if you attempt to perform them on Professor Snape then you will be forced to suffer some rather grim consequences. Since there has not been a single Third Year class who has not attempted this at least once, it is recommended that younger students get this into their thick skulls now to save pain later.

5. Charms usually have positive or entertaining results, and have been described as the exact opposite of curses for this very reason. (Though it could be said that certain curses, performed on certain people, are endlessly amusing though in quite a different manner.) This leads many students to believe that they are a 'soft option'. Professor Flitwick, having become quite thoroughly annoyed with this attitude, is now cursing anyone who mentions it. Now _that's_ entertainment.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS STUDENTS**

1. If you have trouble remembering names and can't decide which Professor's name is of higher importance, you can generally just forget about the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher du jour. They'll be gone soon anyway.

2. The Heads of House politely request that no more students send the latest Defence Against the Dark Arts Teacher a drum kit and a copy of 'This is Spinal Tap' as a Welcome to Hogwarts present. It was funny the first time, but apparently not any more. Same goes for Orange Anoraks and nametags reading "Kenny McCormick."

3. In that same theme, taking out Life Insurance Policies on Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers is crude and amoral rather than a good money-making scheme.

4. The chances of you actually learning something useful in the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom are slim to none. It has been proven that a fifteen year old midget with glasses is a better teacher than all previous hired Professors. Accept this fact and look up curses and counter-curses in your own time if you don't wish to die horribly.

5. The chances of you being scarred for life in the Defence Against the dark Arts classroom are astronomical. Be this scarring a result of an iguana, Cornish Pixies, finding out that your teacher is a werewolf, finding out that your teacher is a lunatic Azkaban escapee, or finding out that reading about people's gruesome, horrible deaths can actually be dull. One way or another, you will exit that classroom changed.

6. Should your Professor Du Jour be a skinny white guy in a purple turban, you shouldn't find it at all suspicious.

7. If you are forced to face your boggart in front of a classroom full of your peers then it is recommended that you have a fair idea of your biggest fear before doing so and also that it isn't exceptionally personal or private. If you end up facing a hideously embarrassing 'personal fear' in front of your entire class and have absolutely no clue how to defend against it, it will continue to haunt you until the end of your natural life.

8. Your Defence Against the Darks Teacher will try to kill you. This is just fact. Either through ill-intent, a pesky lycanthrope problem or just sheer stupidity, he (or she) has a good chance of being involved in an attempt on your life. The effects of this are increased one hundred fold if you're a facially disfigured Gryffindor Seeker.

9. You should always attempt to stay out of any Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's office, as they will have inevitably done something revolting to it. Or have something revolting in it. Or something. So just stay out.

10. Don't bother complaining about rules one through nine, as it won't have any effect either way.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR DIVINATION STUDENTS**

1. Taking this subject is largely superfluous anyway as true seers are rare. True Seers that read tea-leaves are distinctly rarer.

2. This subject has about as much practical application in the real world as a tap-dancing chicken, but you should still be exceedingly concerned with passing each and every test and utterly panicked come time for the exam.

3. Suggestions that crystal balls have no purpose other than attractive paper weights are not well received by practitioners of the subject. You have been warned.

4. If you take the subject seriously, you may as well give up all chance of credibility and walk around in a t-shirt saying 'Doomsayer'. If you don't take the subject seriously, you're in for a lot of laughs.

5. The study of Bird Entrails as a form of Divination is in no way morbid and terrifying. Those who say it is will be marked down.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR HERBOLOGY STUDENTS**

1. If you're particularly good at Transfiguration you will, almost invariably, be bad at Herbology and vice versa. It's not really known why this is, but current theories suggest that there are two opposing skills required for each subject. Transfiguration requires power, skill and intelligence while Herbology requires a similar level intelligence to the plant you're dealing with.

2. Unless you intend to pursue a distinctly odd career, you will probably never need to know anything in Herbology anyway.

3. The fact of the matter is, they just make us do it as unpaid slave labour to keep the potions ingredients up to speck and to sell the rarer ingredients on at an extortionate price, thereby keeping Professor Sprout provided with silly hats and earmuffs.

4. The screaming soil babies that can kill you if you don't have your earmuffs on properly, are considered perfectly suitable for second years. Conversely, bubotuber pus which gives a skin complaint that can be cured inside the day, is reserved until fourth year as it's dangerous.

5. Growing 'magic' mushrooms as 'an extra-credit assignment for Herbology' is not acceptable and is, bluntly, moronic. Stop it.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR HISTORY OF MAGIC**

1. The time spent in History of Magic is widely considered the perfect time to catch up on your sleep, catch up on your reading, catch up on your homework or practise your hangman skills with a friend. You will however, be forced to pay attention for at least three minutes at the start of class so that you can take notes of what the reading is. This will prove helpful when it comes time for exams and you realise that you can incorporate the word "sesquipedalian" into your hangman game, but are completely clueless about the History of Magic.

2. In any one year, no more than three people will have read Hogwarts: A History. You must therefore flock to these three people and direct your every question about Hogwarts at them on an almost constant basis. Ignore their suggestions that you read the thing yourself. Surprisingly enough this even rings true after the book was on constant loan after the Chamber of Secrets incident. One can only assume that those who took the book out simple admired the cover for a week, in hopes of absorbing it's contents through osmosis.

3. If you are strange enough to actually pay attention in History of Magic and have a question, be forewarned: After raising your hand you may very well grow old before the teacher notices, so it's recommended that you take a more direct approach. The direct approach includes, but is not limited to, walking up to the front of class and attempting to muss Professor Binns' hair while yelling "FRIZZY FRIZZER!"

4. While you are more than capable of engaging in a full-scale riot without the teacher noticing, if you fail to attend a single class you will get detention.

5. The History Professor is clearly starved of attention, and so it is recommended that you send him a present occasionally. One is not entirely clear on what presents a ghost requires however, as they probably wouldn't enjoy chocolates quite the same way we do.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR PATIENTS IN THE HOSPITAL WING** (While the author realises that the Hospital Wing is not a class, it is frequented so regularly by some of us that it may as well be.)

1. If Madam Pomfrey and the treatments needed are both available, your injury will be easy to fix and you will be sent on your merry way within ten minutes. If your injury is serious however, Madam Pomfrey will be incapacitated or absent and the treatments needed to cure you are obscure, dangerous, painful or also absent.

2. Do not allow mindless twerps with stupid hair to interfere with your injury at all before going to the hospital wing. As several people learned in Lockhart's deft hands, things not only can but _will _get immeasurably worse if you do.

3. Never ever ask where the ingredients in your medicine came from. Chances are you don't really want to know. Especially not if you're of a nervous disposition or a vegetarian.

4. Don't bother trying to explain the reasons behind your injury to the school nurse, she doesn't care. And don't try to justify it either as she can and will hurt you.

5. If you're a regular visitor to the Hospital Wing, the very least you could do is occasionally give the poor, over-worked nurse some fudge for Christmas or maybe a thank you note here and there. She's the least appreciated of all the staff, including Mrs Norris who received three boxes of Cat Nip last year. The fact that they were poisoned means very little.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR POTIONS STUDENTS**

1. Deliberately mispronouncing it "Professor Snap" will result in your slow and painful death.

2. Of the two Potions Masters Hogwarts has employed over the past fifty years, both have been morally ambiguous and played blatant partiality with their students. It is not yet clear whether this is a pattern with all Potions Masters or not.

3. While there are similarities between the two most recent potions Masters, it has to be said that Dark Sarcasm was infinitely preferable to unbridled favouritism and arrogance. Even for the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors.

4. As extreme a suggestion as it undoubtedly is, it's recommended that you actually read the instructions in Potions before doing anything. Read them through carefully once or twice and then do them. Barking, I know, but believe it or not it's actually more effective than randomly tossing in ingredients and hoping for the best.

5. Potions that require bits of you or other people are rarely pleasant or legal.

6. The current Potions Master may ask you questions in class. In order to answer these questions and excel in the class you will be expected to read your textbooks until such times as you understand them. That is all.

7. An Elixir To Induce Euphoria is more potent than a Cheering Charm. As such, it is even less advisable to give to teachers. Those who do may be surprised and appalled to spot their seventy year old teachers dancing the Macarena and doing shots off each others behinds. It's not pleasant. Don't do it.

8. Professor Snap… er… Snape, disapproves of people stealing supplies from his personal store. So it is recommended that if you really must do it that you don't get caught. At least not by him.

9. Potions to make Morning People tolerable do not exist and never will, so stop trying.

10. If you turn out to be exceptionally brilliant at Potions then it will prove quite useful later in life. However the only real careers it leads to are Potions Masters and Apothecary Owners. And besides, if you're terrible at Potions you can still get by and make some other poor sod do it. Simple really.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR TRANSFIGURATION STUDENTS**

1. At the beginning or Third Year you will be told about Animagi (this will be surprisingly pertinent to some of you by the way). You will discover that your Transfiguration Professor is an Animagi. You will then be informed that you are all too stupid, moronic and generally blockheaded to ever become an Animagi yourself. You are not allowed to question why they even bother teaching you about them if this is the case, and nor are you allowed to suggest that the Transfiguration Professor only brings it up so that she can show off.

2. Transfiguration will prepare you for those pesky times around the house when you are over run with tortoises but there isn't' a teapot to be seen. You should therefore pay attention if you want to make yourself a cuppa under such circumstances.

3. Transforming a rock into a Labrador Retriever shaped bit of Dragon Bait to save your own hide, is in no way an example or animal cruelty and rather 'an impressive spot of Transfiguration'.

4. The line between Transfiguration and Charms is basically unknown to everyone except those who teach them. And they aren't about to share.

5. Accept the fact that McGonagall is scarier than in Minister of Magic we've had in the past two hundred years and act accordingly.


	24. 20 Golden Rules for Foreign Students

Greeting, my lovely readers. I have returned with new chapters to amuse and titillate. I hope they please you. Yes, both of you.

* * *

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR BEAUXBATONS STUDENTS**

1. Because you're French, you like blue. This is not only the reason for your school uniform being blue, but is also a justifiable reason to associate with Ravenclaws while attending Hogwarts. It should never be suggested that the French people have a vast array of assorted colouring and as such may look hideous in blue and therefore despise it. You are French. You like blue. Do not question this fact.

2. The fact that your scholastic system is different from the one used at Hogwarts, means it is automatically superior to our own. Please regale us all with the details of your school's complex and sophisticated academic methodology. Also, if you could comment frequently on the sheer idiocy of our system we would be greatly indebted to you, as we are charmed and delighted to hear of our own short-comings from a group of people we've never laid eyes on before. It's why we get up in the mornings really.

3. Should some cretinous usurper casually comment that our system has worked for a millennia without any of your influence: Smack em. They're clearly hysterical. Or something.

4. Tell us of your Quidditch prowess. Never get on a broomstick and show us, as we automatically believe you. After all, it's not like anyone ever lies about such things and certainly not paragons of virtue such as yourselves.

5. Whilst we, the males of Hogwarts, are by no means suggesting that Beauxbatons' males are in any way effeminate; it should be pointed out that the average citizen of the United Kingdom and Ireland is of the opinion that Beauxbatons is an all-girl school. Perhaps it's the baby-blue uniforms, perhaps it's the girly accents, perhaps it's just the fact that Beauxbatons is an innately feminine-sounding word: Whatever, it should be made clear that you, the Beauxbatons' Males, should never do anything that would overtly challenge this assumption, nor should you make yourselves noteworthy in any way, shape or form.

6. That said, you should still make a girl happier on a date than Harry Potter did.

7. The entire world should know of the Christmas decorations at Beauxbatons Palace. They should be thrilled and enraptured by your description of every single ornament. At the very least, they should pretend to give a toss. If they don't, they are beneath contempt.

8. Should you come across a Cockney Hogwarts student, do not attempt to understand them. It will get you nowhere. Being perfectly honest with you, most of us don't understand them either.

9. If one of the aforementioned epicene Beauxbatons Males uses any pick-up lines centring on the Eiffel Tower residing in any location other than Paris, they should be made aware that Hogwarts females are perfectly within their rights to curse them. This is in accordance with Hogwarts school rules. The curse may be of their choosing and of varying intensity. You only have the right to complain if they use an Unforgivable. And really, if they used the Unforgivable properly, you won't be able to complain anyway. So don't do it.

10. Deftly sidestep any suggestion that you're insulting everyone in French without their knowledge. Continue to deny this fact, even when certain students inform you that they speak fluent French and could in fact have you done for libel with some of the things you've been saying. When they walk away in disgust with your childish negations, tell all your friends about how you "Got them good". It makes you look "cool".

-

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR DURMSTRANG STUDENTS**

1. Smiling, smirking, simpering, laughing, chuckling, chortling, cackling and cachinnating are all signs of weakness. Avoid them at all costs. Sneering is all right, however scowling is better.

2. Neglect to tell anyone how such a large percentage of your student body became expert yachtsmen. Magical, underwater, Coriolis-Effect-Embracing yachtsmen at that. Really, it's not in the least bit suspicious.

3. Accept the fact that your former Headmaster was a spineless, sycophantic excuse for a human being and should never have been placed in any sort of position of power or, indeed, any position where anyone of any intelligence would ever have to deal with him.

4. Also accept the fact that his recent death was vaguely amusing and will be made fun of. This is not a slur against you, rather it is a slur against him. Because he was an idiot and deserves to be denunciated.

5. "Sturm und Drang" jokes ARE funny no matter what you say. "Sturm und Drang" meaning "Storm and Stress" in German, for those of you who are rusty on your Eighteenth Century Literary trends. It was a movement in Germany which emphasised "Subjectivity and the unease of a man in contemporary society". Regrettably this often meant over-emotional halfwits whining about society not understanding them. Which brings us nicely to rule Number Six:

6. Viktor Krum is not an over-emotional halfwit who whines too much and is deeply insecure, no matter what anyone says. And even if he was, he can pull off a Wronski Feint without wetting himself and attract the romantic interests of a fourteen year old girl. Both of which are obviously difficult. Yep. Truly a Prince among men, that one.

7. It is beholden on you, as pupils at a school which does not admit Muggle-Born Students, teaches the Dark Arts and touts hypothermia as a way of life, to sit with the Slytherins. Because really, Slytherin House needed you lot added to it's reputation. It wasn't quite sinister enough before-hand you see. In fact without you there, Snape might've changed our House mascot to a Fluffy-Pink Bunny and started handing out flowers to Gryffindors while singing the score to 'Annie' and doing a little dance. So thanks for that. Really.

8. We have a castle. You have a castle. These castles in no way pertain to the outside world and are nothing more than castles. But just so we're clear: Ours is bigger.

9. You should continue to wear those ridiculous fur coats, even in May whilst visiting a temperate climate and indoors. Should certain unsavoury Hogwarts students throw red paint on you, it is completely unconnected to the stupid outfits.

10. If you ever feel depressed or angry at your school, your teachers or your classmates, then please remember this: You almost got Draco Malfoy too.


	25. 10 Golden Rules for Flower Namesakes

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR PEOPLE WITH FLOWER NAMES**

1. You should be outraged, nay _appalled_, when your friends and allies are on the receiving end of practical jokes, insults, random vicious attacks, pranks, derisory comments or cruel tricks. You should feel free to voice this disgust vehemently, creatively and often.

2. However if such things happen to people you don't like then it's fine and dandy. Amusing even.

3. If given a bouquet of your namesake for Saint Valentines Day, or any other reason, you are allowed to be as bitter, twisted and infuriated about it as you like. Frankly, it's a trite, contrived idea and a nauseating sentiment which neither you, nor anyone else, should ever have to tolerate. (Possible exception made in the case of girls named 'Rose' on Valentines day. Because that's trite and contrived for completely different reasons.)

4. If some innocent commentator should happen to mention the fact that your namesake has particular relevance in a particular Shakespeare play where it is referred to by it's other name of 'love-in-idleness', and that this is a surprisingly coincidental reflection on your character, you may not blame them for the observation. It was your parents who gave you the name and raised you to suit the description. Blame them. Leave the innocent Shakespeare fans alone, it's not their fault you're utterly dependant on other people and largely useless.

5. In fact, expanding upon number four, if anyone should happen to comment on the relevance of your namesakes' plant properties in relation to your personality, you are not permitted to complain about it. Everyone else has their name-meanings brought into question and analysed at one time or another and you are no exception. Deal with it.

6. For reasons which no one is entirely clear on, you should be very hard to please when initially meeting someone. In fact your standards should be so incredibly high that only two or three people have actually met them when they first crossed your path. When, at last, they do enter your good graces; you should protect them like a Territorial Pit-bull and maintain that they can do no wrong. This is, after all, the mature and realistic approach to new people which everyone should try to achieve.

7. Girls who walk around with examples of their namesake worn in their hair on any part of their person, lose the right to complain when comparisons between them and the plant life in question are taken 'too literally'.

8. Curiously enough, no one with a flower name is ever a brunette… Funny that.

9. While the phrase "The Flower of…" (e.g. The Flower of Our Generation) can be used to mean the best example, the prime representative, the crème de la crème, etc; the fact that you're named after a flower does not automatically mean you fall into this category. Please stop acting like it does. Incidentally, 'flower' may also be used in relation to virginity but if either you or anyone else does refer to it as such: Curse them.

10. If there is a propensity for naming girls in your family after flowers, do not, I repeat DO NOT, attempt to continue this practise if and when you have a male child. I do not care how butch looking your kid is, any ten-year-old boys walking around with the names "Tulip" and "Daisy" are going to get beaten up.


	26. 70 Golden Rules for DA Proprietors

I love Fred and George Weasley. Even if this particular chapter may make it seem as though I don't. Ignore it. I love them. Especially Fred…

* * *

**70 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETORS OF DIAGON ALLEY**

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE APOTHECARY PROPRIETOR**

1. When someone comes to you with an average, run of the mill illness you must still say "Hmm" a lot in a way which indicates the patient might have something terminal. This fills them with a sense of relief when they discover that it's nothing more than the sniffles. This moment of relief is worth the twenty minutes of panic immediately preceding it. Really.

2. If it doesn't taste hideous, smell hideous or at the very least look hideous, then it doesn't belong in an Apothecary.

3. For reasons no one is entirely clear on, one kilogram of Powdered Dragon Claws should also cost seven sickles less than one kilogram of Flaked Dragon Claws. This remains true, even when both forms of Dragon Claws are supposedly half price.

4. Try to remain cheerful at all times. If this seems difficult, then just remember to act like other great Apothecaries through the Ages: Dante Alighieri, Benedict Arnold, Nostradamus… nonpareils of cheeriness, unquestionably.

5. Rather than spend valuable time and effort charming more space onto your shelves, or indeed transfiguring more shelves, you should just hang things from the ceiling when you run out of space. The only people affected by this are over five feet tall, and as such a minority. Yes. Minority. Right.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE CAULDRON SHOP PROPRIETOR**

1. Constantly maintain the charade that solid gold cauldrons are necessary in life. No one will ever see through this or question it in any way.

2. Repeat after me: "Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly. Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly. Collapsible Cauldrons are completely safe and do not collapse without warning when in use, nor do they leak unexpectedly…" If you say it often enough, it might come true.

3. Feel free to donate large sums of money to the Little Champions Quidditch Youth programme in return for your extremely beneficial position on Diagon Alley, directly next to the Leaky Cauldron. Balk at the suggestion that you should donate mechanisms for keeping cauldrons upright to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After all, nobody has ever spilt anything in Potions. Not once. Ever.

4. Pretend not to notice the fact that Tom only changed the name of his pub to 'The Leaky Cauldron' after purchasing an item from your store. Act oblivious.

5. Should Percy Weasley, or his Cauldron Bottom Thickness Report, turn up in your store you are perfectly within your legal rights to glare at him threateningly and sniff a lot. That is, frankly, all you're entitled to do to him though, and he knows it. So really, it's not nearly as intimidating as you might think.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR EEYLOPS OWL EMPORIUM'S PROPRIETOR**

1. Act superior when no one can pronounce your name. It is a sign of their shortcomings rather than your stupid name.

2. Insist that the smell of bird faeces has completely escaped you all these years and tell anyone who comments that they are imagining it. Refuse to comment on the gas-mask attached to your face. If pushed, say that it's for decoration or that it's part of your religion.

3. Do not call a young Pygmy Owl a "Young Pygmy Owl". Rather, call it a "Partially-Developed Glaucidium passernium Strigidae of the order Strigiformes". Charge more for it than you would a Young Pygmy Owl. After all, it's more cultured now.

4. Use the Owls from the Post Office in Hogsmeade to deliver anything relating to your business. Fail to see any humour in this.

5. Charge more for Owls that glare threateningly at everything.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF FLOREAN FORTESCUE'S ICE CREAM PARLOR**

1. During the holidays, you should offer random students advice on their homework while eyeing all other students like time bombs that may go off at any moment and melt your entire stock, purely out of spite.

2. The Homework Advice that you do offer, whilst accurate, should be told in a fantastically colourful and entertaining manner in order to get the unassuming Hogwarts student interested in the History of Magic. This sets them up for a real fall when they get back to school, which is entertaining for those of us you eyed up suspiciously earlier.

3. Feel free to concoct some of the most bizarre and possibly inedible ice cream flavours the world has ever known. Continue to assure everyone that whatever flavour you personally have devised is "Really big in Japan", even when it's not.

4. Consider offering free tutorials on how one pronounces your name ten times fast. Perhaps offer prizes for those who can do it on a hot summer's day, first try, without fainting.

5. Lead a conspicuous double-life which will result in your mysterious disappearance upon revelation of the Death Eaters' rekindled presence. Do so with a great big smile on your face.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR(S) OF FLOURISH AND BLOTTS**

1. When Biting, Invisible, Flying or just plain Irritating books come into your stock, you may be brusque and entirely discourteous to customers and blame other people for your misery. Forget the fact that nobody forced you to order them and continue to bewail your own misfortune.

2. Should you arrange a book signing with (lying) Author who has (not) done a variety of daring and notable deeds and is about to become the (most pathetic) Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, then you should be shocked when (oblivious) media and (unwitting) fans show up. You should be even more shocked when he turns out to be a useless lying waste of oxygen and release a public statement to this effect. Heaven knows, there was very little evidence pointing that way…

3. When fights break out in your fine establishment, rather than stop the participants your employees should just watch with vague interest. The manager should hop up and down a bit while not really doing anything and the proprietors should be nowhere to be seen: Such things rarely cause damage and hardly ever get in the way of other people going about their business.

4. Should someone have a problem with their purchase, such as page 436 being completely absent, they are able to return it within twenty-four hours providing that they clear it with one of the Proprietors or the Manager. Consequently, it should be nearly impossible to find either proprietor or the manager for a day or two whenever such an occasion arises.

5. Despite owning a bookstore, it is perfectly acceptable to hire cashiers and shop assistants who, judging by their attitudes, have never opened a book in their lives. No one ever gets irritated by this. Not even when they ask for a book called "The Annals of Grindelwald" and they giggle like idiots for half an hour afterwards, thinking you just said something dirty.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR GAMBOL AND/OR JAPE**

1. Deny any suggestion that, what with Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes' booming trade, you are losing business. Continue to do so even while actively downsizing, sacking staff that have been with you for fifty years and weeping openly about "Those Ginger-Haired Brats".

2. Also continue to deny this while boarding up windows and announcing Closing Down Sale.

3. Maintain that Dr. Filibusters Fabulous Wet-Start No-Heat Fireworks are the best money can buy. Even when anyone who witnessed Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs in action at Hogwarts can tell you quite categorically that they're not. In fact, they are not only a few positions down the Fireworks league from Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs, they are a good few leagues down.

4. In your more private moments (that is to say: When drunk), you may reminisce fondly about Rollick and Jest's, the joke-shop double-act you put out of business eighty years ago. You may also comment that you give the Weasley Twins "Ninety years, maybe a hundred, and then they're doomed to a life on the dole." This is sure to put the fear of god into them, really.

5. When a customer actually does forego WWW and enter your store, you should be so ecstatically pleased to see them that you must sob with relief at the sight of them, attach yourself to their leg and praise any and all deities you can think of that they have no forsaken you. If that doesn't bring in the customers, nothing will.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE GRINGOTTS GOBLINS**

1. If a small child begins crying in your presence or screaming about demons and monsters, the most therapeutic course of action for you to take is to leer at them while holding the sharpest or most club-like object that comes to hand. If this doesn't calm the little blighters down, nothing will.

2. The average Witch or Wizard does understand that you are scary and rather lethal in large numbers. That is to say, numbers higher than two. However this may not be enough to keep them in line and prevent them from trying to cheat you out of your hard stolen cash. To help keep them compliant, you should also make it clear that you can take all their worldly possessions on a whim. (Through preordained Ministry channels, of course. Ahem. Yeah. Right.)

3. If threatening their life's accumulations and terrorising them from a young age doesn't keep your clients relatively pliant, then it's time for the brass knuckles.

4. Never share your secret for proper Marble Maintenance. The rest of the world should be condemned to dull, sub-par Marble floors and should be forced to buy useless product after useless product in a vain attempt to keep them in good condition. Cackle quietly to yourself at their foolishness.

5. If… no, actually, WHEN your visitors start to turn a delicate shade of Chartreuse, you should inform them that everyone else is perfectly comfortable with the cart's speed. The speed colloquially known as '_Break a neck_' or '_Time to make your peace with God_'.

6. When given Muggle Currency, all bank tellers must exchange it for a lower rate than it is actually worth in order to turn a profit. This is generally accepted by people the world over. However the world is curious about how you turn an even bigger profit when you fence it back into Muggle society. Never share this secret.

7. It's not "Money Laundering". It's merely an accounting service to the criminal underworld.

8. That French Blonde you've got hired doesn't really seem to know too terribly much about banking. However when any male or slightly ambiguous female enters your doors with any sort of problem, you should throw her at them until they go away. Really, nobody tires of this.

9. Should the Ministry need to hire one of your Curse-Breakers for any reason, you must lease their contract for a minimum of three times it's actual worth. The Curse-Breaker themselves, should of course see no noticeable rise in their earnings.

10. When in doubt, whip out the Probity Probe.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF MADAM MALKIN'S ROBES FOR ALL OCCASIONS** (who, one would assume, goes by the name 'Madam Malkin'.)

1. If someone enters your store with the perfect face, build, personality and bank balance; you should do everything in your power to make sure that their wardrobe is stunningly perfect for them and elicits awed looks from everyone they come across.

2. Everyone else can look like an idiot though. They don't mind.

3. Calling everyone 'Dear' makes them feel respected, loved and treated like a valued customer and personal friend. It in no way annoys anyone. Nobody would rather be referred to as '_Sir_' or '_Madam_' or '_Oi! You! Yeah you, you little twerp_' when they could be referred to in such a personal and affectionate manner instead. Nope. Not a single person.

4. Repeat after me: "Yes that frilly pink monstrosity really does suit you and in no way reminds anyone of Little Bo Peep on crack cocaine."

5. If anyone ever tries to tell you that the don't want or need Beautifying robes, smile indulgently at them and say "Of course you don't dear." in a manner which tells them you've seen more attractive slugs. This makes everyone feel better about themselves, and in no way affects their self-esteem.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETOR OF THE MAGICAL MENAGERIE**

1. If someone, anyone in fact, owns an animal acquired from somewhere other than your establishment then that person and their animal is scum. You should only associate with them to sell them assorted pet paraphernalia, and even then you should imply that they'd be better off just getting a new one. From you obviously.

2. Cats are beneficial to the health. Really. Everyone likes cats. Nobody has ever had a problem with a cat. Not even big scary orange ones that attack people's heads. The more cats the better.

3. Feel smug in the knowledge that your so-called Miracle Tonic, is nothing more than flat Irn Bru. Feel even more smug in the knowledge that nobody will ever figure this out.

4. Refuse to sell Acromantulas or other dangerous creatures, even when license systems are suggested. After all, it's better that people should buy such creatures on the Black market so that nobody has any idea where all the deadly monsters are than it is having them sold through official means.

5. Complain about the elitist bloodline views of Death Eaters loudly and publicly. Refuse to sell anything but purebred creatures of every variety. Fail to see the irony.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MISTER OLLIVANDER A.K.A. THE CRYPT KEEPER**

1. Wherever possible: Leer.

2. The second some albino Slytherin prat with sibilant tendencies turns up and starts recruiting people, you should hop along and join him. Heaven forbid you go on making wands for everybody, including Death Eaters, and just stay out of things like an intelligent person. No. You should join sides immediately. After all, that always ends well.

3. If called upon to perform the Weighing of the Wands for the Triwizard Tournament, you should act like it's really interesting. Even when it is, quite obviously, not. And even when that little machine in the Ministry of Magic does it more quickly and efficiently and with a great deal less froufrou-y behaviour.

4. Talk to yourself. A lot. It adds mystery.

5. Tell people, at great length, what their wand is good for; such as Charm work, Curses, Transfiguration, etc. Also mention what their parents wands were good for or what wands of a similar nature are good for. Strangely enough, you should never say something like "Ah yes… Cherry wood with Unicorn Hair. Everyone with that combination is a complete and total prat if you want my opinion." or "See here. Fifteen and a quarter inch Mahogany. Good backscratcher this one."

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PROPRIETORS OF WEASLEYS WIZARDING WHEEZES**

1. Let's make one thing abundantly clear: If I am spending money in your store, thereby allowing you to feed, clothe and shelter yourself, and you decide to play an oh-so-funny prank on me, then I am going to hit you. If this turn of events surprises you then you are not nearly so clever as you think you are.

2. Accept the fact that winding up someone as tight-laced as Delores Umbridge isn't exactly hard. However, if anyone says that your merchandise did so in anything less than a truly masterful way, you may harm them however you see fit.

3. Sell, sell, sell. Sell to anyone and everyone. Forget the dire consequences of some of these things being in the wrong hands. After all, how much harm could Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder really do? Hmm?

4. Sell shield cloaks, shield hats, and shield gloves. Shield Jeans, and Shield t-shirts are out of the question however, as everyone will automatically be attacked whilst in their outerwear.

5. As well-established trickster, pranksters and trouble-makers, you are obviously towers of virtue. As such, you can get high and mighty with whomever you please when they attempt to start trouble in your store. This doesn't make you a hypocrite in the slightest.

6. You have enough forethought to refuse sale of Patented Daydream Charms to under-sixteens. The fact that over-sixteens would in fact be taking their N.E.W.T.S and as such probably can't afford to be missing half an hour of class, is completely irrelevant.

7. Cheerfully sell love potions to anyone and everyone. People like having their emotions toyed with publicly, and find it really amusing when they come around and discover they've been tricked into falling madly in love with someone. In years to come they'll laugh about it… then they'll quickly change the subject and try to repress. But frankly, that's their problem. Not yours.

8. Hire someone called 'Verity' in your joke shop. This isn't funny or ironic in the least.

9. Finish each other's sentences in front of customers. It isn't creepy and upsetting, honestly.

10. Make Edible Dark Marks in an attempt to insult Lord Voldemort. Make them taste like melted down plague victims with sugar. Just so you could tell the Dark Lord you were poisoning patrons, should he pop round for tea one evening and have a problem with this.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE ASSORTED STREET PEDDLERS AROUND DIAGON AND KNOCKTURN ALLEYS**

1. If you can't convince the average person that they need, as in physically _need_, a Luminous Orange Pocket Sneakoscope, then you're in the wrong line of work sunshine.

2. 'Protective Amulets' are very hard to come across. A particularly good source for these 'Protective Amulets' is eBay. Oh don't pretend you don't know what it is.

3. If you made it yourself with your very own sweat, blood, and tears; it won't sell.

4. If you nicked it, it'll sell in seconds.

5. Capitalism… Thank God for capitalism… Daily.


	27. 70 Golden Rules for DA Customers

There are one or two gratuitous Monty Python references in this chapter, which certain people may not get. But honestly, if you've never seen the Flying Circus then you've got bigger problems than not understanding one of these rules.

* * *

**70 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE CUSTOMERS OF DIAGON ALLEY**

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR APOTHECARY CUSTOMERS**

1. Go 'hmm'. Also go 'haw'. When not Hmming and Hawing: Ponder. Do so for twenty minutes while standing at the counter and refusing to move until completion of your transaction. This in no way irks those of us who just dropped by to pick up some crushed Scarab beetles and have places to be. In fact we applaud your perfectionism, and are more than happy to reorganise our lives around your indecisiveness. Honestly.

2. If relatively new to the concept of Potions making and purchasing your first set of basic ingredients, you may ask why Aconite, Monkshood and Wolfsbane all look so similar. Both the individual behind the counter and fellow customers will laugh merrily and be more than willing to help you with your dilemma.

3. If you have been making Potions for more than a week and a half and still can't wrap your head around the fact that Aconite, Monkshood and Wolfsbane are all the same plant, then a public flogging is not out of the question. You have been warned.

4. It's an Apothecary, not a Superdrug outlet. If you want an anti-wrinkle cream, don't go there. That said, if you want a Vanishing Cream then you've come to the right place. Just don't be moronic enough to use it on your person if you wish to be visible.

5. The Apothecary sells Ashwinder Eggs. These eggs will not hatch into actual Ashwinders and if you think they will you're in for a disappointment. You're also an idiot, and fair game to anyone who feels like pointing out your lack of intelligence.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CAULDRON SHOP CUSTOMERS**

1. You do not need a solid gold cauldron.

2. A "Medium Sized" Cauldron and an "Average Sized" Cauldron, are the same thing. Also, no matter how unscrupulous the salesman or determined the user; There is not a 'Medium Cauldron' in existence which allows you to contact the dead.

3. While self-stirring cauldrons do save time and effort on rare occasions, they cannot be adjusted. If you need to stir a Potion anti-clockwise you're doomed. Being perfectly honest, only the obscenely lazy would buy one of them in the first place. And if you're really that slothful, you can invest in learning a charm or two to make the utensil in question stir of it's own accord. Either way, a Self-Stirring cauldron is not now, nor will it ever be, worth twice as much as a regular one. Spend the extra money on chocolate, Quidditch tickets or something equally useful, for heaven's sake.

4. Collapsible Cauldrons aren't nearly so convenient or easy to store as they're advertised to be. You have been warned.

5. The Myth that, if you live alone, a miniature Cauldron is all you really need, is just that: A Myth. The only reason anyone will ever have for buying one of those things is cooking tins of soup in when they can't be bothered doing the dishes. Ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR EEYLOPS OWL EMPORIUM CUSTOMERS**

1. When the salesman asks you to hurry up with your selection of owl, you should automatically do so. After all, the creature you choose will only be your semi-constant companion for the next fifteen to twenty years. So why would you want to take an extra five minutes selecting one which you get along with, when you'll be with it for as long as most people are with their spouses.

2. If the bird attempts to bite you, scratch you or claw your eyes out, it is not a sign of affection no matter what the salesman says.

3. When purchasing bird, check vitality immediately. Pay particular attention to how it is attached to it's perch. If in doubt, complain immediately. While complaining about the vital state of any recently purchased bird, it is recommended that you ignore any and all arguments centred on it's beautiful plumage and it's ability to be easily stunned.

4. It is not 'Pinin' for the Fjords' and it never will be.

5. If someone tries to charge you extra for new 'streamlined' owls which still have the same 'remarkable lifting power of their larger cousins', ignore them. They're lying and you just bought a midget owl who can't carry anything.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FLOREAN FORTESCUE'S ICE CREAM PARLOR CUSTOMERS (assuming he ever opens, or indeed, appears again. Obviously.)**

1. If you want help on your homework, be nice to the man. But not too nice or he'll know what you're playing at. Sort of semi-nice with hints of disinterest. But too extreme disinterest or he might think you're not interested. Which is, I suppose, the point of feigning disinterest, but nevertheless you may only show disinterest in moderation. But not too measured moderation or he may suspect a plot… you know what? Just do your own bloody homework.

2. While certain peculiar flavours do taste delicious, not all of them do. Use your better judgement. If, for example, there's a two scoops for the price of one offer on all Slug flavoured, pellet-chip ice-cream, it is entirely possible that there's a reason behind it.

3. When sheltering from the increasingly warm summer sun (see "Muggle Concepts: Global Warming" in library for details) inside Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour it is recommended that you avoid the seats near where they melt their chocolate, as you will most likely melt along with said chocolate. As a socially conscious Witch or Wizard, you'll know that you are only permitted to melt when a deeply irritating kid from Kansas dumps a bucket of water on you, and even then it's just to be rid of the silly girl. _And her little dawg too_…

4. Be aware that Fortescue's Peanut flavoured Ice Cream may contain (shockingly enough) Nuts. Same goes for Hazelnut Whip flavour, pecan-nut flavour, almond flavour, Brazil-nut flavour, and any combination of the aforementioned flavours imaginable. Additionally, Coconut flavour does contain Coconuts, but since Coconuts aren't nuts then it doesn't really matter.

5. Do not be surprised when you ask for Lemon Sorbet and are told they don't have any. Sorbet is not ice cream, and as such has no place in an Ice Cream Parlour. Anyone who feels the need to get uppity about this fact when they request for Lemon Sorbet, will be categorically told to kiss Mister Fortescue's ice. And rightly so.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FLOURISH AND BLOTTS CUSTOMERS**

1. In the United Kingdom an average of one in every one thousand people is illiterate or at least falls below accepted literacy standards. This means that 99.9 percent of people are considered acceptably educated in the country today. Curiously enough, this literacy rate seems to drop considerably upon crossing the threshold of our leading bookstore. It is recommended you accept this fact now. Theories behind this phenomenon (whilst greatly appreciated) are few and far between, and most of them are nonsensical too. It's recommended that you accept this fact too.

2. If you enter this fine establishment looking for a particular book which is not on your school list, you will not find it. Come hell or high water, they won't have it in. If they, by some miracle, do have it in, all copies will be reserved for other customers.

3. If and when you attempt to reserve a book, they will inform you that they have either never heard of the book in question, or that they were unaware there was a book reservation service. No amount of creative swearing will change this fact.

4. Whenever you are in a hurry, some self-indulgent prat will always be there signing the latest piece of rubbish he or she has churned out for their asinine readers. There is no spell, potion, martial arts move or plea for mercy known to man that will part the crowds. However use of the phrase "Oh no, I need to get back to Saint Mungo's. They're worried I'm contagious" will get the line moving that bit quicker.

In a related note, if you tell them that you are buying the book as a present for your sibling and cousin, who are getting married, they will inevitably ask "Oh, it's a double Wedding?" If you look puzzled and say "Well no, of course not. But I wanted to celebrate their marital bliss." People will serve you faster.

5. Even finding books will be surprisingly difficult in this establishment, however if you need somewhere to subscribe to more 'out there' magazines and pick up the latest Puppies and Kittens Calendar, then you've come to the right place.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR GAMBOL AND JAPES' CUSTOMERS**

1. Yes, they really do cry on everybody like that. It's not just you.

2. Yes, they really do believe that Dr. Filibuster's are better than Weasleys Wildfire Whiz-Bangs. You are not imagining things.

3. Yes, that man behind the counter really is one of the owners. They can't afford to hire anyone else.

4. No, you may not run out of the store screaming and seek refuge in Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. Have some compassion, you're the only other human being who's been in the building in the past six months, you heartless monster. You're all they've got.

5. No, they don't see any problem with the gross breach of personal space while they attach themselves to your leg. Just go with it. They have to sleep eventually.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR GRINGOTTS SHMUCKS… I MEAN CUSTOMERS**

1. The rhyme: _Enter, stranger, but take heed, Of what awaits the sin of greed, For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn…_ And so on and so forth, is not a joke. Please do not think it is.

2. Expanding upon number one, this means that you are not permitted to take more than one mint from the bowl at the help desk. Yes, they are sugar free and so you could theoretically take more than one. However, for every extra mint you take, they take a finger. Now is it really worth it?

3. Muggle-to-Wizarding Exchange Rates are not fair. They never will be. Complaining about this fact is risky business.

4. "One speed only." is not a sign that the Gringotts Goblins hate you. It's a sign that the Gringotts Goblins hate everybody.

5. Stay inside the cart. Seriously. You fall down there, not only are you not coming back but they won't be looking for you. But to satisfy your curiosity: Yes, I thought I saw a dragon down there too.

6. Statistically speaking more Gryffindors get High Security Vaults than the alumni of any other House. The goblins uniforms are red and gold. Coincidence? I think not.

7. Just for the record kids: If you are anywhere outside of Gringotts Wizarding Bank and a stranger with a weird skin condition tries to lead you down a dark pathway with promises of money **Just. Run. Away.**

8. Sirius Black's Vault number was 711. Albus Dumbledore's Vault number is 713. It is therefore assumed (what with this calibre of persons in place and the Goblin's sense of humour being as twisted as it is) that Lord Voldemort's Vault Number is 712. Who says a trip to the bank can't be interesting? Just in case this happens to be accurate, you may want to invest in a shield cloak if you have to pass any of these vaults.

9. The Goblins names may sound a bit bloody and violence based. They're supposed to.

10. You see that rather large and invasive looking object being wielded by that surprisingly intelligent looking troll? Fact Number One: That's not a troll, that's a Goblin and an engorgement charm, that is. Fact Number Two: That large and invasive object is a Probity Probe. Fact Number Three: It'll feel a hell of a lot larger and more invasive if he does what he wants to do with it. I promise you that. So don't give him a reason.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MADAM MALKIN'S ROBES FOR ALL OCCASIONS CUSTOMERS**

1. School rivalries tend to start here. There's no real logic behind why, but it just sort of happens. Perhaps standing on a podium and being eyed up suspiciously by every single passing shopper brings out the worst in people. Perhaps it's preordained. Why knows? The fact is, when you meet someone in Madam Malkin's before starting at Hogwarts, you will not like that person.

2. When nervous or confused, Madam Malkin stabs people with pins. You have been warned.

3. Yes, you are supposed to look like an idiot in that Hogwarts hat. No, it's not their fault. It's just the way things are.

4. If buying dress robes for your child to wear in three weeks, they will fit perfectly in the store. By the time of the event, however, they will be four inches too short. There is no way around this.

5. Madam Malkin's sells both slimming and fattening robes. If you are female, have recently had a child, and are not quite back to your original shape yet, then you may buy slimming robes. Other than that: Don't buy them. Be yourself. Look like yourself. If you're the size of a small killer whale, fine. Be the size of a small killer whale. If you're an anorexic basket case with a thyroid problem, fine. Be a twig! Stop pretending to be something you're not, it's really irritating.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR MAGICAL MENAGERIE CUSTOMERS**

1. Curiously enough, the Poisonous Orange Snails… are poisonous. Don't touch them. Don't pick them up. And in the case of one particularly deranged customer who I personally have seen in there at least a dozen times: Don't lick them either. Everybody nice and clear on this? Good.

2. While the Magical Menagerie does have a cage full of ravens (which are really really cool, it has to be said), you are not permitted to take a raven to Hogwarts. You are also not permitted to use them as mail carriers. Should you purchase a raven, it must be for traditional eavesdropping and spying purposes only. You may also teach them to do tricks, and to stalk 'Seers' under the guise of a Death Omen. Cruel? Perhaps. Funny? Certainly.

3. If needing to purchase Rat-tonic, Owl-tonic, cat-tonic or indeed any form of tonic, it is recommended that you ask them at the time how in the name of Merlin's Giddy Aunt you're meant to make a rat drink. Have you ever _tried_ to make an owl drink half a bottle of Restorative Tonic a day? They don't respond well to it. And if the phrase 'Gin, slice of lime, ice and a tall glass' enters into the answer, then it is beholden on you as a consumer to beat them to death with your shoe.

4. Fire-Crabs: Pretty but pointless. Rather like Lavender Brown in that aspect really…

5. Indoor domestic rabbits live for six to ten years. If, in six to ten years, you will still be amused by that rabbit turning itself into a hat then go ahead and buy it. If, however, you have an IQ slightly higher than that of the rabbit in question, then you may forgo the rabbit-hat. Buy a dog for crying out loud, at least they have some personality.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR OLLIVANDERS' VICTIMS… Ahem. Customers. Yeah. Customers. Don't know what I was thinking. Yeah. Right. "Customers".**

1. The Proprietor will regale you with tales of your particular wand's history, whether you want him to or not. While this is impressive the first time, if you ever snap your wand and require another one then you will start to become irritated. It is not, however, recommended that you tell him to stuff it, as he can be rather emotional at times.

2. Should your wand have a particularly gory, bloody or mysterious past it is suggested that you keep your disconcertment as restrained as possible. The old git feeds on your discomfort and will keep you in there for days if he can suck some more fear out of you.

3. Ollivanders has been in place since 382BC (obviously not that particular place but rather it has been established for that long). The current Proprietor may or may not have been in charge the whole time. Nevertheless, any suggestions that he should look into some seriously hardcore moisturising techniques will not be well-received.

4. If you have any problem with your wand (sanguineous history aside), then for God's sake say so in the store. It's your wand, it's something you will use every day for the rest of your life and something which -in the current political climate- you dare not be without. If you feel that the length of the thing is ridiculous, you should say so when something can actually be done about it.

5. If you have previously bought a wand from Mister Ollivander and you are only recently hearing about his alleged allegiance with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Poked-Fun-At, then you are not permitted to let loose a diatribe about how your wand might be booby trapped to blow up. If you're important enough for Death Eaters to want dead, you're important enough for them to want to kill you in person. End of story.

**-**

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR WEASLEYS WIZARDING WHEEZES CUSTOMERS**

1. Duck.

2. Cover.

3. If you have made it through the front door and through the initial twelve-person-deep crowd, then you have passed the first test and are worthy to continue on into the inner arena. While you should feel proud of yourself, you should in no way assume that this is the end of your trial. Nor should you assume that you are safe, or that the cute eight-year-old blonde girl in the corner isn't plotting your untimely demise.

4. Canary Creams, while amusing the first time, are mild enough to be eaten at three AM when other biscuits are incommodiously located at the other side of the house. It is therefore recommended that you buy extra for just such an eventuality.

5. While it may be beneficial to certain elements of society to mention that Headless Hats are not only more effective, but also distinctly more aesthetically pleasing, methods of hiding one's identity than Death Eater Masks, it should be noted that this comment is rarely taken well. In fact they get quite insulted.

6. Spell-checking Quills are a waste of time, money and effort. You learned to write for a reason, that reason was so that you wouldn't need these things.

7. On the off chance that your Aunt Louisa Mae dies and you are expected to attend her funeral, even though you hated her with a fiery vengeance, it's advisable to keep a couple of Skiving Snack-boxes to hand even when not actively attending school. It's a fact of life: Nobody can make you do anything if you're puking your guts up on their shoes.

8. It's perfectly acceptable to laugh at U-No-Poo signs. Even the Dark Lord himself probably titters a bit when he says the sentence "The Constipation Sensation that's Gripping the Nation" out loud.

9. Unless you are feeling particularly saccharine, and can therefore say the sentence "Oh how CEEEYOOOT!" without looking revolted, Pygmy Puffs serve no purpose in the life. Save, perhaps, a slightly more interesting Bludger practise.

10. Fear not, fair patrons, just because they've got a good joke shop doesn't mean you can't still insult the Weasley twins AND their kin.

**-**

**5 GOLDEN RULES FOR CUSTOMERS OF THE ASSORTED STREET PEDDLERS AROUND DIAGON AND KNOCKTURN ALLEYS**

1. If they had anything of value, they'd have sold it to one of the shops and gained a higher profit.

2. If they had anything with any power behind it whatsoever, the Ministry would've regulated it.

3. If they had anything that would be helpful when being attacked by a certain Dark Lord or his followers, they sure as hell wouldn't be selling it; they'd be using it.

4. Honest Willy Wigstaff, a well known street peddler, was written up by the Ministry for selling substandard wands and loose bottomed cauldrons. This is an outrage and something consumers should be made aware of. If you want loose bottomed cauldrons you should go into the cauldron shop and be charged extortionate amounts for them like everybody else.

5. If anyone feels the need to add the word 'Honest' to their name, then it's one of the surest signs imaginable that they're not. Wouldn't you say?


	28. 20 Golden Rules for Parents

**20 GOLDEN RULES FOR THE PARENTS OF HOGWARTS STUDENTS**

-

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MUGGLE PARENTS

1. For your own sake, you'd better have spent the first eleven years of your child's life getting to know them. If you didn't, and they go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you will not be getting another chance to do so any time soon. In fact, unless you are already close to them, they will not spare you another thought until your spawn decide the time is ripe for them to procreate.

2. If, by some small miracle, you actually have a vaguely affectionate relationship with your child then you had better keep it up, unless you want this relationship disappearing into the ether without your say-so. This means lengthy, bi-weekly letters, spectacular Birthday and Christmas presents, meticulously planned school holidays and anything else you can think of that will keep your child interested in maintaining contact. In their new, magical environment, your child will be strongly encouraged to forget about your existence. Only you can stop them doing this.

3. If your child is attacked by the King of Serpents and left to lie in a hospital bed for much of her second year (or involved in any similarly incapacitating accidents) don't expect to hear about it until the kid comes home for the holidays. As a muggle, the school administration does not think you are worth keeping informed. If you argue with them on this point, you will be labelled as over-aggressive, interfering, emotionally unstable, and quite possibly a "Wizard-hater" for attempting to contradict such revered Wizarding traditions as child neglect. This label will endanger you, your child and your entire extended family if certain elements of society are made aware of the fact.

4. Curiously, if you _do not_ argue with them on this point, you'll be labelled as an uncaring, callous muggle who doesn't give a damn about your child's welfare and probably hates the kid because (you guessed it) he/she is a Wizard. You will, once again, be labelled as a "Wizard-hater" with the similar results to the scenario described above.

5. Frankly, the only way to avoid the label of "Wizard Hater", and the associated dangers, is to adore your magical child more than any other children you may have, let him/her away with whatever magical hijacks they feel like (even if it terrifies you and your other children), give the child the funds to buy anything he/she wants to 'further their magical education' (even if you know full-well that nose-biting teacups are useless junk), and cheerfully let the school and it's Headmaster get away with endangering your child any way they see fit. Do all of the above with a big smile on your face, and you might get out unscathed. From wizards anyway. If there's any justice in the world then your other kids will hurt you.

6. Speaking of funding, you may well be expected to shell out ludicrous sums of money to pay for things that you don't really understand. If you refuse, you risk the possibility of your child having a snit in the near vicinity of a generous older benefactor (Read: either pervert or terrorist) who will quickly have more sway over your child than you do. After all, buying the kid that much-coveted emu-feather quill is far more important than seventeen years of parenting. (By "Ludicrous sums of money" I mean "upwards of a hundred galleons". And by "things you don't really understand" I mean "racing brooms with a three-hundred percent mark-up that are exactly the same as cheaper models".)

7. When your child comes home for the holidays, you may feel compelled to take them on a vacation of sorts. This is fine, but you must be made aware of two things - 1. If you take the kid off to do something decidedly 'Muggle' (I.e. skiing, fishing, sailing, scuba-diving, etc.) then they will give every outward appearance of distaste. They may well be thrilled on the inside, but they can't possibly admit to it, as their peers will have already labelled them "weird" because of it. 2. If you then decide to go the other way entirely and factor in things like Wizarding History or Quidditch into the holiday, your child will forget you entirely while they pursue the above undertakings. No matter how 'cool' you think you are, you cannot change this last one.

8. Never ask your son or daughter what goes on in the following classes: Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, Transfiguration, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Divanation, or advanced Herbology. Not only will you not like the answers, but you may faint dead-away upon hearing about Care of Magical Creatures. Nothing good can be gained from this.

9. If you somehow come to learn of the goings on in the Care of Magical Creatures class and phrases such as "reckless endangerment", "child abuse", "blatant favouritism", "incompetent teaching", and "borderline lunacy" enter your head, you'd be best to get rid of them as soon as possible. It's not that these phrases are inaccurate in anyway, but the fact is that Professor Hagrid is one of the Headmaster's favoured individuals (which explains how he got the job despite being kicked out of school at thirteen) and can do no wrong in the eyes of the headmaster. Frankly, unless he kills someone, the Professor in question will not lose his post. Even then, he will have had to kill someone without any Gryffindor witnesses, and incontrovertible evidence. Otherwise he'd be let off.

10. If you have any problems at all to discuss with the headmaster, don't bother trying. He will either ignore your letters, or ignore your concerns in your personal meeting with him. He may also end up hitting you upside the head with a glass. You are, so far as the Wizarding World is concerned, inferior. Inferiority translates nicely into Inconsequentiality - parental rights be damned. And no, before you ask, there's nothing you can do about this.

-

10 GOLDEN RULES FOR MAGICAL PARENTS

1. If you have a story involving you, another human being and love potion, your children do not need or want to hear it. Even if the potion was not administered, the story will still involve you being sexually attracted to another person or another person being attracted to you. We do not want to know this. If this concept causes confusion, try to imagine your own parents telling you a story involving Love Potions. If you're still a bit bewildered, replace the phrase "Love Potions" with "Tequila Shots in Ibiza". Get the picture?

2. Due to the close-knit nature of Wizarding society, you will probably know of some children that are your child's age, even before your child is sent to Hogwarts. Presumably you doubt your child's ability to attract companions on his/her own, otherwise you would not feel the need to arrange meetings between the children in question. Fair enough. I suppose it could help the kid. However if your son/daughter then goes to school and - for whatever reason - has nothing to do with the child you set them up with way back when, you are NOT entitled to constantly ask after this kid, describe how wonderful they were, say how much happier your kid would be if they associated with them, and negatively compare your child's current friends to this other person. It's none of your business. It's a close-knit community, not a prison camp. So leave your kid alone, you psychotic, controlling nutcase.

3. Muggle parents have the luxury of not knowing about Quidditch. You don't. You know that your child will be hurtling around on a stick, fifty-feet up in the air at approximately eighty-miles an hour, while being pursued by semi-sentient cannon-balls and angry people with sturdy-sticks. Don't you dare attempt to stop them participating in it, though. If you feel tempted to, take comfort in the fact that less than three-percent of students actually get onto the teams anyway.

4. Similarly, you know what happens in classes. If you're going to complain about the horrors that go on in Care of Magical Creatures, you'd better be on the Board of Directors. Otherwise, stay quiet. Your kid will never live it down.

5. Don't go to the school unless you have a valid business reason for being there. Ever. Seriously. Your child has a reputation, and no matter how bad it is it will only get worse if _you_ turn up. At least the Muggle parents know they won't get in, and don't bother trying.

6. If your child gets sorted into a House you disapprove of, be sure to make them feel inadequate for the rest of their natural lives.

7. Passive aggressive treatment of your offspring is hardly encouraged, but will not be commented upon by the teachers. In other words, feel free to subject your kids to Howlers, embarrassing jumpers, hideous sandwiches and the certain (perpetually reinforced) knowledge that you like their friend more than you like them. No one will ever say anything about it.

8. If your child arrives on Platform Nine-and-three-quarters resembling a slug, sporting new scars, with permanent pustules on her face, or suffering from any other assorted maladies, then no one will be held accountable. Not the train people, if it happened there, and certainly not the school. You went to Hogwarts, you know how it works. Don't start complaining now.

9. Never question why your child can't just Floo directly to Hogwarts Castle. It's ever so much fun sitting around on a slow-moving, cramped, tin-can for a whole day with nothing to do, and the journey up to the Castle itself is always a treat. Yes, a few carriages do occasionally get blown into the lake with passengers still inside, but it's the _experience_ that's important.

10. No matter how inadequate or uncaring a parent you may appear to be, you can always rest assured that you will be thought of as a superior parent to any Muggle parents you may come in contact with. If anyone ever questions how this can possibly be so, what with them actually liking their kids, knowing them, spending time with them and whatnot, just give this reply: "Sure, they may be better parents than me. But _I_ can do dishes just by waving a stick. Top that."


	29. 10 Golden Rules For Hogwarts Ghosts

**10 GOLDEN RULES FOR HOGWARTS GHOSTS**

1. For reasons known only to yourself, you decided to float around a High School for the rest of eternity. This questionable decision has left you with free access to the next magical generation and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal in the form of the library and various intellectuals scattered about the place. Rather than take advantage this potential, either to sway future generations or to become an invaluable source of advise and information, you should float about looking sullen, crying at random intervals, and listening to acne-ridden morons complain about their Mean Old Teachers.

2. Begrudge the living. They clearly deserve for having the cheek to exist and, Lord knows, it's not as though you were given a shot at life or anything. Certainly not as though you all messed it up royally either.

3. Pontificate. Even though you've spent the past millennia moping, and even though you were probably a pretty messed up human being to begin with, you know everything. Because age is the only factor in wisdom, obviously.

4. If you had a doomed love affair in life, be sure to cling to it desperately in death. Some will say it's pathetic and a waste of time, but truly well adjusted people will tell you that it's romantic to stalk women for centuries even when they want nothing to do with you.

5. Act as though you all have some sort of jurisdiction over Peeves, even though he only listens to one of you. Choose to believe that the poltergeist listening to one specific ghost is a sign that all ghosts have more power over him than the living, rather than the more obvious conclusion: That the individual in question is scary as hell.

6. If, for some reason, you find yourself not feeling whiny and melancholy for any period of time, you should seek to fill this gap in your schedule with idiotic pastimes such as "Headless Hunts" and flooding bathrooms. There's probably nothing productive you could be doing with your time anyway, so why bother trying?

7. Creepily suggest that various students may one day "join you" in your haunting. While this is pretty effective at unnerving young male students when a certain leery bathroom dweller does so, it appears to be even more effective when formerly-middle-aged male ghosts suggest it to young female students, while also implying that they "Know" the student in question "Better than they could ever imagine". After all, most teenaged girls don't feel awkward enough as is, so adding that extra factor of the possibility of Undead Peeping Toms is great for making sure they don't get too confident.

8. If, by chance, you happen to know the current location of a long-lost, legendary artefact that is said to imbue the wearer with great intelligence, you should keep it to yourself for a thousand years or so. Just wait until an evil super-genius pops up and acts charming, then tell him. After all, he could have no possible ulterior motive or sinister intentions, and clearly needs to be made _smarter_. Besides, nobody could have possibly benefited from this knowledge earlier, as everyone knows that there's a surplus of intelligence around here.

9. If we agree to attend your stupid Death-Day party, the least you could do is ask the House Elves to provide some edible food, while directing us towards the non-crazy attendees. It's only bloody polite.

10. You died. This experience is one that will eventually be shared by every single person on Earth. Dying does not make you special. The only thing that makes you even vaguely different from the rest of us is that you are here to complain about it, a fact which garners you very little sympathy. Though it should be pointed out that what little sympathy you did will evaporate the moment you use the phrase "Just wait till it happens to you!"


End file.
